(The Survivor Sister Story Series provides a place for survivors to share their stories anonymously. While it may not be safe for women to share their names, this space allows their voices to be heard and helps others who have similar experiences feel seen and validated.)
If you are experiencing domestic violence by proxy, you know a heartache like no other.
Often, kids will lash out at mama (while seeking the approval of dad) if they know her love is unconditional.
They are experiencing trauma and have no idea how to handle it.
I just read this analogy in a survivor group, and I am sharing with permission.
“An advocate I spoke with compared it to a dragon. If a dragon is present in your child's life, the safest option for your child is to align with the dragon. The safest person to "reject" is you. That doesn't mean you're a bad mom, it means that you're respecting your child's autonomy.”
Kids feel that the safest place to be is by the belly of the dragon.
One mama wrote:
“I lived this HELL for nearly three years and am so relieved to tell you that healing has started.
It’s not easy, it hurts like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.
I recently said to one of my boys, “I’m so scared I’ll lose you again.”
He looked at me, confused.
“Mom, you never lost me.”
That’s when I realized how different his perspective was from mine.
I lost him, but he didn’t lose me.
He always knew where to find mama.
He knew I was waiting for him.”
A prayer to pray over your kids:
“Father, open their eyes.
Unstop their ears.
Soften their hearts.
Unstop their ears.
Soften their hearts.
Turn them back to the Father
And to their mama.”
And to their mama.”
Ladies, you are welcome to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse where we are learning, growing, and healing together.
I share many resources about DV by proxy, as well as a host of other abuse recovery topics.
I share many resources about DV by proxy, as well as a host of other abuse recovery topics.
You are also welcome to join my monthly membership group where we discussing ways to rebuild after abuse, the Held & Healed Haven.
Is Your VBS/Kids Camp Safe?
VBS/Kids Camp season is upon us.
VBS/Kids Camp season is upon us.
How much do you think you know about the adults you leave your kids with?
Disclosure of clergy/institutional abuse are pouring out EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
We can no longer hide our heads in the sand and pretend this reality away.
Criminal background checks only show CONVICTIONS.
Many child predators are never convicted.
Some organizations don’t even run CBC’s.
KEEP YOUR KIDS SAFE!
Some things to consider:
* Ask if adults have been cleared by CBC’s and if they have personal and professional references.
* Ask about the organizations safety and emergency procedure polices.
* Are kids allowed to contact their parent/gaurdian if they need to?
* Are kids allowed to contact their parent/gaurdian if they need to?
* What kind of insurance does the organization have?
* Are convicted sex offenders allowed on the premises?
* Are adults in charge mandatory reporters? (If a child discloses abuse, it is vital that the proper authorities are notified.)
* Are children ever alone with an adult?
* Are teens or young adults supervising children without a mature adult present?
* How is discipline handled?
* How is bullying handled?
* Are custody orders honored?
* Are there interior/exterior security cameras?
* Are bathrooms closely monitored?
* Is there a professional security person on site?
* How are medical needs and food allergies handled?
* Is the organization currently under investigation for abuse charges of any kind?
* Will your child be asked to do or say anything they are not comfortable doing (coerced “alter calls,” “testimonies,” or “offerings.”)
Pro tips:
* If you have doubts or cannot get clear answers to your questions, DO NOT SEND YOUR KIDS.
* Volunteer and keep your eyes and ears open.
* Talk to your kids (ongoing) about safety and agency. Use anatomically correct words for body parts, and explain which areas of the body are always off limits to others. Let them know that if anyone EVER does ANYTHING to them that causes them to feel unsafe, that you will listen, believe them, and protect them. Assure your gem that they do not have to return to a setting that they do not feel safe in.
* Avoid overnight opportunities, the amount of abuse that happens in sleeping, bathing, dressing greatly increases.
* Ask for multiple references for an organization before you drop your kids off.
* If you know of an unsafe institution, make other parents aware.
* Look over any curriculum that is sent home and talk through the lessons with your kids. If there is anything that you are uncomfortable with, you can reassess their involvement.
* If an organization is resistant to your questions or unable/unwilling to provide safety measures, please do not leave your children in their care.
Need more support as you navigate these waters?
Ladies, you are welcome to join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
You are also welcome to join my monthly membership group, Held & Healed Haven, where I offer group coaching we focus on boundaries, truths to replace lies, healthy habits, nervous system regulation, etc.), community building, guest interviews, and so much more.
Need more support as you navigate these waters?
Ladies, you are welcome to join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
You are also welcome to join my monthly membership group, Held & Healed Haven, where I offer group coaching we focus on boundaries, truths to replace lies, healthy habits, nervous system regulation, etc.), community building, guest interviews, and so much more.
