There's a lot of talk going on around Facebook now about the fact that Roe vs. Wade may be overturned and the power to regulate abortions be returned to the states. Really, most of the people on "both sides" have no idea what they're talking about. If I could speak with my babies now -- the twins I aborted nearly 35 years ago - I'd tell them that I wish Roe vs. Wade had not been around. I wish an abortion had been much harder to have. I wish someone had told me the truth -- that their heartbeats were already strong. I wish someone had called them a baby (it wasn't until a year later that I learned I had aborted twins), instead of "tissue." I would tell them that I wish I had cried out to God. I would tell them that I'm a different person now, one that never would have aborted them. I'd also tell them that I'm forgiven, that I've forgiven myself, and that most of the time, I really am well. It's just that things like the arguments and the posts are triggering me. There are a few categories of people who are knowledgeable about this issue, and I happen to be in one those categories: a woman who had an abortion who knew it was wrong the minute she stepped out of the clinic door. I regret my abortion, and if you'd like to know more of my story, check out my blog posts from 2020.
I am one of the fortunate women who was able to give birth again. I have two grown sons who I am incredibly grateful for every day. Many women who have had abortions are never able to become pregnant again, because the uterus or lining can be damaged in the abortion process.
So, if you think you have an opinion about this controversial subject, ask someone like me who has a personal story to tell. I wish I had the faith then that I have now. If I had, I would have relied on God. He would have shown me resources that I didn't realize were there: resources inside me that He put there that I had forgotten about or, maybe never had to use before.
More to come,
Carol
When did I first become anxious? It was actually a very long time ago, when I was quite young. I have a clear picture in my mind of my Mom and I, standing in the yard of the farmhouse we lived in; we lived in one part of it, my grandmother in another, and a tenant in a third part. We were in the part of the yard just outside of our apartment. She was trying to zip up my jacket, and was growing fearful and anxious. A storm was coming – the sky was getting darker, the wind was whipping up, and she was kind of frantically asking: “Where’s Don (or, your father)?!”
I don’t know why she was anxious and afraid – maybe because of the brewing storm. All I know is, that when I do the Aroma Freedom Technique on myself, and I’m asked to think of a time long ago (or not so long ago) when I felt the same way I’m feeling right then, my mind always takes me back to that moment.
Don’t get me wrong; I love my Mom, and she was a wonderful Mom. She’s gone now, and has been with Jesus for 18 ½ years. But, she instilled a fear and an anxiety in me that I’m not sure has ever gone away.
The secret I kept for so long was the abortion I had 33 years ago. In part, anxiety led to that terrible decision. Afterwards, when I was newly pregnant with our older son, anxiety also crept in. As it did when I raised him. Now sometimes, the anxiety made me a better mother; other times, the anxiety made me overprotective.
The anxiety I felt eventually led to ever-worsening insomnia. And doomsday thinking. I still experience it, but now I have tools to cope with it. I mentioned in my last blog post that I listen to inspirational music every morning; this is one way I calm myself early in the day to bring on a positive mood. Another part of my morning routine is to read Scripture right after breakfast. During this time, I also pray, and use essential oils to bring me closer to God. I then share that morning’s scripture, along with a brief commentary, on LinkedIn and then Facebook. Of course, there are some days when I don’t read the scripture until later in the day, and some days when I don’t read it at all. If that happens, I miss it. I miss my calm, sedate, time with my Savior, who’s been drawing me ever closer to Him for several years.
There’s a few other things I do each day to keep myself calm and hopeful; such as: reading great novels instead of watching too much tv, praying continuously, and using other products to support my overall health. To find out more, come join our private Facebook group: Gentle Breezes. It’s time.
Blessings, Carol Stribula
Listening to uplifting and inspirational music every morning is a huge way I get myself thinking positively and hopefully at the beginning of the day. I do this while getting my breakfast shake, tea, supplements and healthy energy drink ready.
I begin with a selection of songs by Avicii, put together by my younger son Max. The names of the songs are: “You Make Me,” “Levels,” “Broken Arrows”, and “Trouble,” but the best one is “The Best Day of My Life.” Tacked onto the end of this playlist is a Rend Collective version of “Be Thou My Vision,” – the theme song of the Emmaus weekend I participated in several years ago. This young talented singer actually died a few years ago of a debilitating illness. I stopped listening to his songs for a little while, but returned to them because of how happy and uplifting his music is. They’re all on a Playlist in my IPhone that my son set up for me.
When the playlist is over, I turn to YouTube, where I then listen to the following songs beginning with “Living Hope” and ending with “The Goodness of God.” The order of the rest of the songs depends on how Youtube plays the songs for me.
1) “Living Hope,” by Phil Wickham
2) “Diamonds,” by Hawk Nelson
3) “You’re an Overcomer,” by Mandisa
4) “I Will Follow You,” by Chris Tomlin
5) “Alive and Breathing,” by Matt Maher
6) “Raise a Hallelujah,” by Bethel Music
7) “Goodness of God,” by Bethel Music
Usually, “Goodness of God” is playing as I’m getting ready to do my morning devotion, and sometimes, as I’m praying.
It’s hard to describe the peace and order and hope that listening to these songs every morning gives me. As they start out, I might not be quite awake, or I might be feeling crabby. “Best Day of My Life” is the third song that plays, and sometimes it kind of slips right by me; other times, I sing and/or dance to it. I’m definitely singing by the time “Be Thou My Vision” plays. And as all the songs from YouTube play, I’m lifting my voice in gratitude and feeling God’s presence. Waking me up to another day. Another day in His world.
if you're recovering from an abortion that still haunts you, and you'd like more ideas about how to bring routine, order, and positivity to your days, please join me in our Facebook group: Gentle Breezes. It's time.
Blessings, Carol Stribula
Today’s scripture reading for me includes this verse: “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me”(Matthew 16;24).
My cross is the fact that I had an abortion 33 years ago. Having the abortion was my biggest moment of personal and moral failure. A small, subconscious part of me knew this as my fiancé (now my husband) and I were walking out the clinic door that day. But mostly, I was in denial. I had a perfect wedding to finish planning! The following year, my new husband and I moved to Illinois for six months while he went to school, where I became pregnant with our older son, and then on to England for three years.
While pregnant with our son, I prayed every day, asking God for a healthy child – “just one healthy child, God." Do you see my subconscious prickling a little bit at me again?
I loved being a new Mom, but I struggled with breastfeeding – I’m not going to go into details here – but, I stuck it out for eight months. I was very strict with our son’s diet – nothing wrong with that.
Fast-forward to 1994 – four years later – when, as I was having my second miscarriage, I told the RN who was taking care of me in the ER at the base hospital at Wright Patterson Air Force Base, that I felt like God was punishing me for having had the abortion. She told me she had had abortion when she was 17, was forced to by her Mom. She also called the Chaplain on call, who was a wise Baptist preacher. He told me that our God is not a punishing God, and that maybe someday I’d be able to help someone else. I was reassured by his kind and gentle words, but I couldn’t see how I could ever possibly help someone else.
And then, the emotional triggers started. Pictures were being shown on the internet and tv about what a 8 ½ week old baby looked like in the womb, and I learned that my babies (I didn’t know this at the time, but I had aborted twins – my doctor didn’t tell me) had heartbeats when they were aborted. No one had ever told me this back in 1987.
My defenses were beginning to crumble. It would take me until 2016 to really begin healing myself from the trauma I had caused myself. There was a huge moment of grace way back in 1998, when I just knew God had forgiven me. Meanwhile, I did suffer from anxiety, intermittent insomnia, and some depression. I also felt incredible isolated, because hardly anyone knew about the abortion. I often wondered what people would think if they did.
A few years ago, I told a few more people about the abortion. And in June, I began to “come clean.’ In preparation for “going public,” I told most of my family and extended family. I didn’t want them to be surprised when they began to share blog posts on Facebook. You see, I desire to help women heal holistically from an abortion they’ve had and are still haunted by – my cross to bear. I bear it in humility and grace. In hope and faith. In truth and love. It is only through my relationship with Jesus that I am able to share, and write, and come clean. He gives me the strength and wisdom I need to do this. Never in a million years did I think that THIS is what I’d be writing about. I love to write, and have been writing since the sixth grade. But here I am, a vessel, allowing myself to lose my isolated, quiet, small life for Jesus, so that I will eventually find my life totally in Him.
Blessings, Carol Stribula
As often happens lately, when I read scripture, it feels like God is talking specifically to me, and specifically as related to the holistic healing I’ve done over the years in relation o the abortion I had. The last two mornings, the scripture has been in my face, in a good way. I’ve just finished reading The Shack, and, as any of you who’ve read it, you might know what I mean. I have a few big take-aways from The Shack. One is, God definitely desires for us to allow Him to be right in the center of us, in all of who we are, who we love, who we’re friends with, how we spend our days…
The second take-away is that we all have our shacks. The deepest, darkest part of ourselves that we’ve somehow allowed to define us, limit us, diminish us, and probably, separate us from God.
The third take-away is about transformation, which is where today’s scripture from the book of Romans comes in.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world 
, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — His good, pleasing and perfect will.”(Romans 12:1-2)
Because of God’s mercy as it relates to our imperfect selves, we can offer all of who we are — our heart, mind and will — to God as a living sacrifice. We can do this because we have a new life of the Holy Spirit. As we begin to do this, our minds are transformed over time, and the result is that we become more in tune with God’s will for our lives. We then also become less tethered to the ways of the world (NIV Study Bible, pp. 1726-1727). It’s a miracle in the making!
I’ve been allowing God to transform me for many years now. Little by little. He’s especially doing a lot of transforming this summer, as I’ve begun to open up to people about my abortion in ways I never have before. It’s hard, emotional work, above and beyond the Big Healing I did from 2016-2018. But, He’s right here with me, guiding my every step, my every share, my every insight.
How about if you allow God to transform your life? If you’ve had an abortion that still haunts you, please contact me and join our private Facebook group: Gentle Breezes. It’s time.
