Yesterday, on the 33rd anniversary of my abortion, I visited a farm in my county that has a huge sunflower field. I did this to honor my unborn twins. This is the first year I've done something like this.
Since I accomplished major healing related to the abortion in 2016 and 2017, somehow the Black Eyed Susans in our yard began to become representations of my babies -- thier faces happily open to the sun. My Black Eyed Susan patch was growiing and sprouting in different places around our yard, and there was actually enough so that I could pick some to bring inside for a happy bouquet. However, this year, my older son accidentally mowed a lot of them down -- they had "jumped" the garden perimeter and were part of our front lawn. I forgot to remind him not to mow over them! Some survived, in the front yard and outside our living room window in our side yard; but, the weather has been so hot and humid lately that they haven't bloomed yet. I felt so saddened by this, as they bring me much joy.
A few weeks ago, a plan started forming in my mind to celebrate my twins on July 22, and I decided to have a special dinner with my husband -- who, if you haven't followed along yet, was my fiance at the time of the abortion. And then, just last week, I started thinking about visiting this farm, which I had learned about a few year ago. I had thought about visiting before, but I always thought: "Ugh...it's July, it's hot -- no way." Somehow, with the absence of my Black Eyed Susans, the summer heat didn't deter me this year. I saw the sunflowers as a substitute for the Black Eyed Susans -- they also shine their large and happy faces to the sky.
So yesterday was hot and humid, but I was prepared: Hat, sunscreen, insect repellent, peppermint water spray (for cooling), extra water, light clothing, clippers, scissors and a bucket to put my flowers in after clippng. I had decided to clip six blooms -- two each for our grown sons, one each for the two miscarriages I had between our older and younger son, and two for my aborted twins.
The sunflower field was breathtaking. Part of the experience was seeing it in the distance, and enjoying the view as I got closer. When I was just upon it, I felt such peace. Gazing out onto open farmland always brings me peace, as I grew up on a dairy farm. This peace was about how the sunflowers are simply so beautiful and bloom heartily in the hot summer sun of July and August. I knew I had done the right thing.
I have to admit, once I got home, after lunch and ice cream at a Farm Market 13 more miles down the road, I felt sad and empty. But after sharing all the pictures I'd taken on Facebook, I felt quite comforted by everyone's response. Only two people knew why I'd visited the sunflower field yesterday -- my husband and a friend -- but that didn't matter. The six blooms are now in a large vase on our kitchen counter, making me smile every time I walk in there. What can you do to honor an anniversary -- either of the day you had an abortion, or, your due date? Taking action helps us move on.
Blessings, Carol Stribula
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