I didn't grieve the twins I aborted for the longest time. I was genenerally in denial about the abortion, In fact, after learning that I had aborted twins, my mind played a trick on me, and the way I remembered it was that the doctor thought maybe I'd aborted twins; in my mind, it wasn't definite. More about this another time.
There's a few reasons why a woman might not grieve her aborted baby. For me, right after the abortion, I had to finish planning our wedding. An absolutely gorgeous October day, marred, unfortunately and sadly, by the sudden death of my father-in-law to-be very early in the morning the day before we wed. He died of a massive heart attack. That's probably another story.
After our wedding, I threw myself back into my job and we began our first year of marriage. I also knew we'd be moving within the next year, when my new husband would come up for reassignment. I had to say good bye to so many friends at Cambridge Hospital, where I worked, and the greater Boston area -- it was a long and sad good bye. But, we were off on a new adventure -- my husband attended a 6-month training in Illinois, where I became pregnant with our older son, and then we were off to England for three years. Every day of that pregnancy, I prayed for a healthy child. I had an amniocentesis because of my age, so we knew shortly into the pregnancy that we were expecting a son, and I asked God, pleaded with him, for one healthy child. Yes, somewhere back in my mind, I felt guilt and shame about the aboriton -- but I really wasn't aware of these feelings. How could I be? I was pregnant! Then I gave birth to a healthy child! I poured myself into him, and he was a delight.
So, I didn't realize I needed to grieve my loss because I was mostly in denial about what I'd done, and I had a healthy son. Other woman might feel like they don't have the right to grieve. Still others don't grieve because they were never able to get pregnant again (which can happen after an abortion), and so they're feeling like they're getting the punishment they deserve.
The problem with not grieving is that buried feelings can eventually cause physical problems. And, emotional problems, such as anxiety, where one doesn't know the source of the anxiety. I did become overly anxious about my son, and became somewhat of a Super Mom. Eventually, over many years, I became depressed and kept having vague feelings like I wasn't living up to my potential.
A fewe decades later, I started doing many things to heal from the abortion. I can tell you more about these when you join our private community on Facebook: Gentle Breezes: Healing Holistically from Abortion: Gentle Breezes. I'm looking forward to seeing you there.
Blessings, Carol
PS This picture is of a sunflower field in the distance, which I went to on the 33rd anniversary of my abortion. It brought me peace and calm.
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