Dear Suicide,
I vividly recall the first time we met.
I didn’t know your name, but felt your presence.
I was around 11 years old.
I was struggling SO very hard.
Everything was changing, but so much was still the same.
Nobody saw how much I was hurting.
Nobody noticed my silent screams and pleas.
Or so I thought.
One night, while crying alone in my room – you visited me.
I felt your icy embrace, and can still feel the weight of your chilling words,
“Let me help you. Let me free you. I’m here for you. End it all.”
I had no idea who you were, what you wanted, or why you were there, so I just brushed you off, and ignored you.
A few years passed before you entered my life again, but this time, it was through a friend.
My friend welcomed your call.
I was devastated, and hated you, whilst subconsciously calling out for you.
As time went on, I became stronger, and you were no longer part of my thought process.
Until –
While I was away at college, I received a call from a dear friend, letting me know that you had visited yet another one of our friends.
I was shook.
I was mad AF.
I screamed, raged, and broke things.
And then I cried.
I cried like I had never cried before.
I promised myself that I was never going to pine for you again.
Years passed.
With that passage of time, I had so many hard, terrifying, and sad experiences.
But I remained resolute in my vow.
The next time I felt your presence was during the lowest part of my life.
I tried to resist you, to not need you.
I tried for quite a while.
Then came a night where between my internal angst & rage, and your signature calling,
"Let me help you. Let me free you. I’m here for you. End it all.” –
I could not hear anything else.
I could not think of anything else.
I could not envision any other ending for myself.
So I succumbed.
I drank the bottle of booze, and downed the bottle of pills.
Suddenly, the energy around me palpably changed.
It was no longer the crisp nothingness I knew intimately.
Instead, it felt like warm, soft, glowing, sun beams.
That night, my husband saved my life, and permanently severed my intimate relationship with you.
I have both loved, and hated him for that.
But – I knew that if I ever let you in again, you would win.
I was no longer willing for that to be how my story ended.
You sought refuge elsewhere.
Fuck you for choosing my friend’s son’s brain/heart to take up residence in.
He was too young to know how strong he was, and how much he was truly loved.
The day after we found out what you had done, we went to support our friend.
The moment I first embraced him, after you took his son, is when I instantly knew that you were dead to me, forever.
The pain I felt coming out of my dear friend’s body, cannot be put into words.
The feeling of that pain remains with me today.
My hate for you intensified exponentially.
Maybe a year or so after that, you took one of our closest friends.
You preyed on him like a jackal, and used his demons against him.
When I got the news, I dropped to my knees, and sobbed.
I cried so hard, I couldn’t breathe.
The loss of that friend made me absolutely terrified that others would soon follow.
Thankfully you offered me a little reprieve, time wise.
Two years ago you damn near shattered me.
I saw a friend who lived states away, post on social media, in real time, that he was choosing to go with you.
I tried contacting everyone I knew in his area that could possibly go intervene.
Others saw the same thing, and took the same action.
We were unsuccessful.
You took him from us.
I want you to know that, with me, you failed.
Even in my darkest moments, the struggles I think I will never be able to get through, I absolutely know one thing – I will NEVER allow your presence near me again.
You have no power here anymore!
I often send this message out into the universe, in hopes that the ones you are calling to, will instead hear MY message:
“You got this. You are strong. You are worthy. You are loved. Humanity is here for you.”
Messages of love and compassion are louder, and more powerful than your bullshit!
In closing, I have one final message for you –
“Let me help you. Let me free you. I’m here for you. End it all.”
Sincerely,
Your old nemesis, Patti
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