It's 7:30 am. I hear the ding of a text... It says... Help! “I have a massive headache”. I make a straight beeline to my adult sons room to find him holding his head in excruciating pain!
One can only imagine how painful this type of headache really is!
As I access the situation I’m thinking, oh goodness, is this an aura to a seizure? It’s all too familiar. I gather my wits…I stay calm, I try to keep my son calm hoping and praying it does not turn into another nightmare.
Several minutes pass…. The monster headache doesn’t stop there but instead it leashes out to a full blown seizure!
We’re not talking a couple of minute seizure but one that refuses to stop! 90 minutes!
What I see in the next 90 minutes is a hard image to forget. It’s an image of feeling incredible helplessness. I watch my son In sheer desperation cry out to Jesus… Help me! Please help me!
He is fully aware and seizing at the same time. Never losing consciousness and... fully aware of the intense pain that is accompanying the seizure.
911 is called. And me?… I just crawled out of bed minutes before, my hair looks like a balled up spider web, I'm not fully dressed... and I really was not expecting company at this early hour!
I put myself together in short order and hope and pray the ambulance will put the “Pedal To The Metal”! Praying they will get here sooner then later!
The paramedics take over and administer an IV. The medicine trickles through his body, only… it doesn’t even phase the seizure one bit.
This seizure is not giving in. It continues to shake the body, fixate the eyes, all the while… my son is still conscious and moaning with pain in his arm!
90 minutes later it finally says, “Enough is Enough” The seizure releases it’s grip just minutes before arriving to the hospital.
This particular hospital is really… not the best equipped to handle the situation. The Dr. makes a decision that it would be best to air lift him to a Philadelphia hospital 1.5 hours away but… a mere 15 minute helicopter ride. I’m like …What?
My husband and I watch… the roar of the helicopters rotating wings nearly sweep us off our feet. We firmly plant our feet so as to not be blown away! All the while fictating our eyes upward into the bright noon sky. We watch until it’s merely just a speck in the sky. Up... Up and away he goes. Watching and praying…hoping everything will be ok.
Once again …it's ok. Another seizure, another hospital stay…
Everyone has a story and everyone handles their story differently.
I have people say to me…you are so strong! You are super Mom!
To set the record straight, I have no desire to be super mom! I may look strong on the outside but what you don’t see is... a scared mama that is totally freaking out not knowing if her son is going to make it this time.
At one point when a situation like this would happen (and yes, it has happened on numerous occasions) I would go into a full blown panic attack! I would be totally useless and my body and limbs would go limp. Talk about a helpless feeling!
With good nutrient, essential oils, talking to my counselor and simply leaning into Jesus, I no longer get those debilitating panic attacks.
Now when there is drama to this degree... I typically sail right through it. I have my wits, I don’t panic, I pray a lot and I am able to stay calm.
But… its after the fact that I literally fall apart!
I withdraw... I feel sad, depressed, and I feel like a failure as a mom. Why couldn’t I fix it?
I literally can’t think or make decisions. I want to curl up and bury my head in a pillow. I'm tired, scared, worried. I feel like I'm crawling through a dark tunnel in slow motion with no light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is like riding a wave. Big waves! Waves that take you under the churning waters and toss you around like a tin can. It's rather jarring... whiplash.
I really must get better at riding the waves!
It literally takes me a few days to process what just happened and the emotional trauma that played havoc on my mind and my body eventually quiets. The sea becomes calm, the waves become a sea of glass. I lean into Jesus. It’s really my only source.
My conversation to God goes something like this. Why? Why when Randall was crying out to you and seizing at the same time crying out... God, Help Me! Please help me! Why did you not stop the seizure? Why?
If I would continue to dwell on the Why? (And I’m sure we all do it) I would probably drive myself crazy.
It’s then that I literally make a conscious effort to look at how God really Did show up. He showed up by allowing me to stay in the hospital the several nights he was there when all odds were against me because of Covid restrictions.
He showed up when I was told I could sleep in the next bed instead of a hard uncomfortable recliner. What a tender "God Kiss" that was!
He showed up by giving us caring Doctors and nurses that genuinely had Randall’s best interest in mind, He showed up when friends called and said, How really are you…the texts saying, I’m praying for you friend...seeing a friend at the grocery store and her telling me how God laid me on her heart and that she had been praying for me.
I call these "God Kisses" That is truly what they are.
I'm learning how to ride the waves...taking deep breaths and... moment by moment I pull myself back up and then... just like that the sun comes back out, the skies are blue, the grass is green again. But... it's not without a struggle.
Do you need a "God Kiss"?
Your story may be a lot different and more intense then mine.
What are your "God Kisses"? Do you notice them?
I promise you… if you look, you will find them, just like I did. It may be just what you need to get through your situation.
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