I was brought up believing in God. Not the Bible but God. Although my mom would tell me after we would say prayers before bed “don’t pray for big things because God is too busy for that”.
My Faith in God was always surface level. I felt condemned by him, I felt judged by him, never love but only anger.
Fast forward to loosing two spouses by the age of 36! I would make it through life after loss out of my own strength. I questioned where God was in all of it. Why would he punish me like this? I knew I wasn’t a perfect person but I thought I was a good person.
I was pregnant with my youngest when my late husband died. I couldn’t understand why God wanted me to be a single parent to even more children? Why did he do this?
Desperate one night when all the kids were asleep, I cried out to God to either take me or change my life. I had it good in most people’s eyes even after loosing my husband. I lived in a nice house, I was able to stay at home with healthy kids, I had family and security. But I was miserable inside. Empty, lost and I didn’t understand why I could have be blessed so much but be so unhappy.
Two days later, after crying out to God to take me, a friend asked me to go to her church. I was taught growing up that if I went to another church other than the one I grew up in that I would go to hell. At this moment, I felt like I was in my own personal mental hell so I decided to go. People there were the opposite of the church I grew up in. They were smiling, warm, welcoming and loving. It all seemed weird but something inside said “your hearing truth”
My life changed when I started to read the Bible and see what God said for myself instead of just living off of traditions of man taught to me as a child.
God started to show, in very tangible ways, how much he cared about every little thing in my life, and every big thing too. I could write a book on the things He did for me, now that I was listening, to see how much he loved me, despite my imperfections and lack of attention to him all my years of living.
Little did I know how he was building my Faith to help me endure the thing I always said I could never endure. The loss of a child. Giving a son up for adoption when I was only 17 threw me into severe emotional turmoil that lasted for years. Then to have another child taken from you, was the ultimate mental anguish.
In 2007, on a beautiful Saturday morning, I awoke and spoke with my oldest daughter briefly. Then I proceeded to make breakfast and go back to my room to read and pray for my kids. After a time of praying, I went to my daughter’s room to find her tragically gone. I can’t describe the rest of that day because I don’t remember much. Other than throwing my Bible at the police when they arrived. This was the one thing I had always said I would never be able to survive. Why God? Why?
I was mad at God but also the work He had been doing in me had taught me that the number of days we have on this earth is only known by God and we cannot change that. We don’t have the power. I had also learned and experienced and knew that God did not cause evil in this world but man does with his greed and pride and selfishness, at the root of all evil. God allows, and uses bad things in our life to teach us and create a good work in us, he does not causes the bad. Why would God allow, most of us would say, but He works in ways that man cannot understand and in hindsight, always for our benefit. Even in times of trial and deep loss, God is helping us grow into the people he designed us to be.
That day forever changed me. At the time I thought my kids would all be destined to be messed up adults, and I assumed I would never find joy again, and never experience happiness. The worst had happened and I could not, at that moment, even imagine that I would ever find the good in this tragedy.
It is true that we experienced years of heartache and pain for every holiday, anniversary, and tears whenever I would see a teenager. I mourned so deeply, daily for my kids who not only lost their father but now two siblings that they were robbed of ever knowing. The pain was deep but Gods grace and mercy for me took me on a journey of experiences that are beyond describable to show me that He was with me. He put people in my life that would help us, comfort us, serve us and befriend us when we needed it.
The Bible became my strength to understand Him more so I didn’t blame Him but saw more and more each day of how He was working things out for my benefit, so I would be a better mother and friend and Christian. He taught me I could trust Him when I wanted to give up, because He would give me the strength to go on. He would help me raise my kids and show me that He would care for them even when I felt I wasn’t doing a great job.
The most tragic of days slowly and beautifully started to get better. The healing is slow. The healing is hard. The healing only comes truly when you allow God to be your source and not on your own strength.
Years later in 2019, God blessed us by answering years of prayers to be united with the son I gave up for adoption when I was a teen. It came about in the most unusual of ways but the kids were so excited to meet the brother they always heard of and I saw how God weaved this gift into my life’s story that he is writing for me.
I will never get to see Megan get married or have children or grow old, but I do get the joy and peace knowing that she loved Jesus too, and put her trust in him and is safely in His arms where I will see her again.
God has walked alongside me through the most horrific losses and yet He brings me peace that can come from nothing on this earth. He is sovereign over all things, including our time here and He continues to work through every mistake I make, every prayer I pray, and I am so ever grateful that he is in charge and I am not. His will and plans are perfect unlike mine. 💜
When you put your trust in Jesus, all things will become clear, all the pain will be used for your benefit and you will see the goodness of God in your life. I guarantee it!
I am blessed for having read your story. God is doing mighty things through you in your faith, love, patience, generosity, your peaceful loving spirit and in how you trust Him. I have not gone through the pain and trials you have, but I embrace the ones I have for they have brought me closer to Him.
One day all will be redeemed.
Oh what glorious day.
~ Georgia