I remember talking to a friend shortly after my Dad passed away. Her father had died a few years earlier. And I remember saying, you know people have no idea how this grief can just overwhelm you , how you can feel so heavy with it, until they go through it themselves. And I think I apologized to her for maybe not comprehending the enormity of her loss at the time. She was her usual amazing self and said, “it’s okay, people don’t know what it’s like, and you know, you’re happy that they don’t know. You’re happy that they don’t have to know yet.”
It really is hard to describe the loss. I know some people don’t have great relationships with their fathers, and everyone experiences the loss differently, but everyone who loses a parent feels a sense of loss, whether its the loss of the relationship you wish you had, or the loss of what could have been. It’s still a very real loss, and it hurts.
I had a really close relationship with my Dad. My parents live close to me and I saw my Dad nearly every day. In fact, if I didn’t stop in to say hi during the week, his nose would be seriously out of joint! The pout would be on! Lol!
We used to go for coffee in the morning before I went to work, back when my Dad was doing the mail run, a post retirement job he did for years. I treasure the time we spent together, just checking in with each other, and talking about everything, and nothing in particular.
My Dad’s health decline was slow and gradual, over a few years. His eyesight was going, and then his balance was off, so mobility was slower. Then he just started getting weaker, thinner, and having other health issues.
After my Dad passed away, I immediately went into what I call “crisis mode”, calling people, making funeral arrangements, taking care of my Mom, writing the obituary and the eulogy and afterwards, helping to sort out the paperwork.
“The business of death”, I remember someone calling it. Anyway, I was keeping myself busy. I had shed the odd tear, but hadn’t really had a good cry yet. I knew there would come a time, but it wasn’t here yet.
Family who were able to, came home for my Dad’s funeral, which was at the end of February 2020. And we all know what happened in mid-March that year. The pandemic was declared and the world shut down.
So three weeks after my Dad passed away, and family had all gone home, we were all told to stay home to stop the spread of this virus that we knew little about, but which was very scary and killing people.
The other thing that happened 3 weeks after my Dad passed away, was I decided to quit drinking. I felt like the glass of wine I enjoyed at supper was more often than not, becoming 3 or 4 glasses every night. I would wake up feeling crappy and feeling bad about myself. Well this just didn’t mesh well with the healthy lifestyle I was trying to achieve and the one I telling others to adopt in all my social media posts. I had to start living my authentic self. So I quit. As I write this, it’s been 2 years and 8 months since I had my last drink.
I’ll write more about that in future posts, but it was definitely a big turning point for me, and an integral part of allowing myself to grieve, to feel my feelings, and not just drown them.
What I had started doing, but definitely began doing more of, was walking. Walking, walking, walking. Thankfully, I live in a place where I can walk for miles without seeing a single soul, so it was no problem following the isolation rules that were in place at the time. And it was on these walks that my healing began. Walking, breathing, being close to nature, and using my oils. That, and lots of great hugs from my partner is what helped me grieve. Is what is helping me grieve, I should say, because I’m still grieving. I still miss my Dad everyday, and think about him everyday. And sometimes the grief just comes out of nowhere and I find myself crying. But that’s okay. Tears are good, they are cleansing and they are healing.
Grieving through a pandemic is especially hard. Not being able to gather as a family throughout the first year after my Dad passed away was devastating for us all.
I have never been so grateful for my essential oils, especially Valor, Peace & Calming and OrthoEase. There are others that I used throughout as well, but too many to mention. These ones helped me stay centred and grounded, helped me stay calm and helped ease my tension.
I know that my journey isn’t over, but I feel that my decision to quit drinking, and try to live a healthier lifestyle has actually helped my grieving process. I see with clearer eyes; I use the tools that I have, and when I have bad days, I put on my oils, I breathe, I go for a walk, and I reach out and call a friend. I stay grounded and I keep going. And that’s really all any of us can do.
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