My collarbone hurt.
A lot.
I hadn't fallen. I hadn't bumped it. I hadn't lifted anything heavy or done some repetitive motion that would explain why it was so sore.
But I had learned to recognize this feeling.
So instead of asking myself, what did I do to my collarbone?
I started asking a different question. What am I carrying right now?
And eventually, of all things, the answer led me back to a fishing trip Rob and I never took.
We had plans to go fishing, and it was something we had both been looking forward to. Fishing is one of those things we love doing together, but it's also a stress reliever for both of us. Time on the water, away from everything else, is good for us.
But my MS was acting up, and it was hot. It wasn't a good day for me to be out there.
So, we didn't go.
I knew it was the right decision. I knew I couldn't control what my body was doing that day. I knew Rob wasn't upset with me or blaming me.
But I still felt guilty.
That's the thing about emotions. We can know all the reasons we shouldn't feel something and still feel it anyway.
I could tell myself; you don't need to feel guilty. You didn't choose this. Rob understands.
All of that was true.
But the guilt was true, too.
And instead of really acknowledging it, I did what I think many of us do.
I pushed it to the back and moved on.
Except I've learned that sometimes my body doesn't seem to move on quite as easily as my mind tells it to.
Because if I'm really being truthful, this wasn't just about one canceled fishing trip.
MS has changed a lot for Rob and me over the years. There are things we've had to do differently, plans we've had to change and experiences we've missed because my body simply couldn't do what we had hoped it would do that day.
Sometimes I grieve the things it has taken from us, not just from me.
I know I can't control that. I know Rob doesn't blame me.
And yet sometimes I still feel guilty about how my MS affects him.
Knowing I don't need to feel an emotion doesn't mean I'm not feeling it.
That has been an important lesson for me.
Over the years, I've noticed that I tend to feel emotions in certain places in my body—my stomach, my back, and my shoulders and collarbone.
That doesn't mean I assume every ache or pain is emotional. Bodies are much more complicated than that. But when something doesn't have an obvious physical explanation, I've learned that sometimes it's worth getting curious.
One of the tools that has helped me tremendously with this is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), often called tapping.
When I tap, I slow down enough to pay attention to what I'm actually feeling.
And sometimes what comes to the surface surprises me.
In this case, tapping helped me recognize that I was carrying more than disappointment about a fishing trip. There was guilt. Frustration. Sadness. And underneath all of that, some grief about the ways MS has affected our life together.
The tapping didn't change any of that.
It didn't give us our fishing trip back. It didn't make MS disappear.
What it did was help me stop pushing those feelings away.
It allowed me to say:
Yes, I'm disappointed.
Yes, I'm frustrated.
Yes, I'm sad.
Yes, I feel guilty.
Instead of immediately trying to convince myself that I shouldn't feel those things, I could simply acknowledge:
This is what I'm feeling right now.
I've had other tapping sessions where anger has come bubbling to the surface. I've had sessions where sadness has brought tears streaming down my face. I've uncovered fear—especially fear about what the future with MS might look like.
And I've experienced happiness and elation, too.
Because this isn't about getting rid of the "bad" emotions.
They're emotions. They're part of being human.
For me, something changes when I stop fighting what I'm feeling and give myself permission to acknowledge it. And sometimes, as I do, I notice my body begin to relax too.
That doesn't mean every ache or pain has an emotional cause. But I've learned that my emotional and physical well-being aren't completely separate, either.
When I continually push emotions aside, I notice it in my tension, my pain, my energy and sometimes simply in how I feel overall.
Over time, I've learned I need more than one way to make space for my emotions.
Tapping is one tool I use, but it certainly isn't the only one. I often combine tapping with prayer and essential oils. Other times I need a walk or simply some quiet time outside in nature.
Your tools may look completely different from mine. Maybe you find support through talking with a therapist or someone you trust, meditation, journaling or another practice that gives you space to slow down and acknowledge what you're feeling.
There isn't one right tool.
And the purpose doesn't necessarily have to be making the emotion go away.
Sometimes we simply need a safe way to acknowledge:
This is what I'm feeling right now.
And then perhaps get curious.
What have I been carrying that I haven't really acknowledged?
What does my body need from me right now?
We're so often encouraged to push through, cheer up, look on the bright side or remind ourselves that things could be worse.
But maybe we don't always need to talk ourselves out of what we're feeling.
Maybe sometimes we need to allow ourselves to feel it.
To acknowledge it.
To accept it.
And to give our bodies permission to stop holding quite so tightly.
So today, instead of asking yourself how you can get rid of whatever you're feeling, maybe ask a different question:
What am I carrying right now that I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge?
You don't necessarily have to fix it.
Maybe, for today, noticing is enough.
Thanks for spending a little time with me today.
Wellness doesn’t have to be about fixing yourself. It can start with learning to listen, getting curious, and discovering what support looks like for you.
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