"We are made to grow and stretch and learn and we can't help but have our beliefs shift and grow with us. To force belief to be the uniting factor has been damaging to the church, I think.
"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
I believe our common ground should be "What is fruitful?" for we know the tree by its fruit.
God's way is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self Control, Creativity, Beauty... to walk in God's way empowered by the Spirit is what I feel unifies the Body.
We will often disagree - but the things that should hold us all to account are character things that make us more Christ like - not whether we all think the same.
The inquisition, the Crusades, witch hunts stem from a fear of other - "there is us and them..." but I think of humanity as just us.
I know this is rather broad minded but I can't help but think of the scriptures: "Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 and I John 4 where "everyone who loves is born of God and knows God..." which means to me that as we align our hearts with God's Love we will be led to healthy places.
Pharisees and Sadducees were full of arguing points of Jewish law - but Jesus embodied the Spirit behind the Law. I feel like as I lead others to connect with God and encourage good fruit, I allow God the freedom to guide and shape each of our experiences and growth. I like healthy dialogue over checking belief boxes...
I, too, get discouraged by the prevalence of hate and fear being spread in Christian circles. I am so thankful that God is big enough to calm such storms and that I have the role of praying and doing my best to live a life that would please God - where love is the commandment I place above all other beliefs and thoughts...
I don't know if my perspective is helpful for you as you continue to find the way of love in the midst of increasing pressures and demands that people all around us are experiencing. I really have found the emotional prayer routine to be incredibly freeing over time as it is helping me move from places of fear and insecurity to more peaceful places of possibility. https://getoiling.com/.../14610/emotionally-grounding-prayer
Many of us have experienced harshness from places where we expected to find grace. Know that grace is God's language - anyone can judge, get cynical and criticize. To extend the table to outsiders was Jesus' way of making us all one. The table is big enough for all of us as God's creative masterpieces - with our goal to become what God intended us to be when creating and forming us!
I hope you recover your sense of your Belovedness and hear the voice of the One whose thoughts are higher than all our thoughts and whose ways are beyond ours. May the voices that crowd out grace fall silent in the midst of the God who IS Love - whose Spirit is Life and Peace.
After visiting a friend who lives everyday from her hospital bed at home, I can't get our conversation out of my head. Everyday is a fight to stay alive for her. She has a timer that goes off to remind her to inject the medications that keep her stable into her IV tube. She is so knowledgeable - and has to be - since she is the only person we are aware of that lives with two extremely life threatening disorders. She compares her fight to the podcasts she loves from a Navy Seal recounting life and death struggles.
But it is not watching how proficient she is at caring for her complex needs that stands out, but her resilient spirit! And how she and her husband have created a home with huge picture windows so she can look out over the farm from her bed. They also designed the doorways wide enough to wheel her bed into the main floor rooms.
We were talking about purpose. She was having a low day as she contemplated her contribution to the world. She had so many dreams of ways to give and serve - and so many beautiful gifts to offer. Yet, her days have shrunk to survival.
As I listened, I so resonated with all she was saying. When I first got so sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I remember asking God if I was still part of the Body of Christ if I was a non functioning part. I remember the picture I got of how the body adapts to compensate for limits in any member. How my value didn't rest in my productivity. It was a relearning - 'to be' instead of just 'to do'.
I saw myself as a little girl striving to please her Father. I would run from the room to grab the drawing I made to show Him, or show off my latest ability: "Watch this!" Running - always running!
But Chronic Fatigue was my stop sign as I learned to realize that God was not less pleased with my stillness. That just being present with God and listening and learning was a vital life giving space.
My friend and I reminded each other of the short span of our life compared with eternity. That becoming who we are meant to be and learning to love the One who formed us is a great purpose.
In fact it lines up strongly with the greatest commandments that Jesus taught about: Love God. Love Others as Yourself. To grow more loving - to be in tune with God's creative plans and pray alongside them and watch them unfold - to be the best we can even in the midst of deep pain and suffering... to not lose sight of who we are even in our diminished state. To live in such a way that our life here is just an extension of "God's will be done on earth as it is in Heaven." To delight in goodness, beauty, purity, passion, creativity, reconciliation, justice and peace... This is purpose enough for all of us, I think.
My friend is a vibrant spirit big enough to fill a stadium... but confined to a tiny frail frame that disappoints and constrains her. One day we will shuffle off this mortal coil, and she will love the 'glorified body' she gets to trade for this temporary tent. Her spirit will be so unrestrained and free to express the expanse that is her.
Until then, each day here is a chance to keep that spirit alive - pliant, loving, and aligned with God's best in the gift of each day - even when we have to fight through pain and suffering - and hold one another up - to see it.
It's ironic that I was asked to prepare a session for our camp leaders in training on conflict resolution. I hate conflict and would rather absorb discomfort than confront social awkwardness and tension. But, regardless of my attempts to dodge it, conflict is just part of life as imperfect people try to work effectively on teams together, partner in marriage and families, or even work with the public.
So, I've concluded that we can avoid it, escalate it, or be part of the solution. We can’t control the actions and responses of other people – but we can control our actions.
Have you ever tried to avoid conflict hoping it would go away?
It tends to get bigger and more complicated. It can drain us of energy and become a strong, invisible force of negative energy that shadows everyone connected to the community in which there is conflict. It’s like having a mouse in your house, if you ignore it, you’ll soon have a whole village. Mice are cute, until they are chewing your electrical cords and joining prayer meetings (true story)... and leaving telltale signs of their presence in your cupboards. Avoidance only works if you don't have to continue to share the house with the mice and decide to let them take over while you move out.
But conflict with people can't be moved away from as easily as a mouse filled house. Even if we don't have to see them again, the tension leaves an emotional toll on our hearts and minds as we try to figure out how that could have gone differently.
“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:1-3
So, avoidance isn't usually a good option unless I've already had several fruitless interactions or the person who hurt me is a abusive and isn't part of my life anymore. Sometimes people just can't see the same situation with understanding and empathy. And some people are so broken they have a hard time relating in a healthy way with anybody. But, if I decide my best step is to move away from the mouse house, I try not to bring any droppings with me. Forgiveness is the only way I know to put down the desire for restitution and let my heart run free.
Generally, we are all in the peace making biz together and conflict resolution is worth the effort. The human community is compared to shared parts of a human body where all are affected by the brokenness and pain of any other part. In the bible, all are called to heal and bind up wounds that exist in the body so we can all function as one team guided by the head - which is Christ. Jesus' teaching centres around love for God, leading to healthy love for others. When we deal with conflict and allow it to mend and bind up broken places in the body, we protect and strengthen the community to function as it was meant to. So, when dealing with conflict it is vital that we deal with it in the right way. If we react in anger and a desire to attack or humiliate or get even or punish in any way, we will make the situation worse.
These are the steps that have often helped me get to the hub of the problem and reveal positive, healing steps.
1.HONESTY -
Pull Back to Calm the emotional waters. Get perspective. No matter how much I am hurt or angry, I need to be still and pray. I take whatever time I need to get perspective on the situation.
Ask: “Why am I angry?” I find, sometimes I may not be angry at what I think I am angry at. I like to turn to a good friend or mentor who can listen impartially and help me make sense of what I'm feeling. Or I write down my thoughts. This is a time to be honest and search the heart. Own up to the mistakes made. It's time to figure out what I did to contribute to the problem and confess that to God. I need to check my attitude and pray until I can see those I'm angry at as people God loves and who are worthy of respect. If I hold onto pride and think of anyone as ‘lower’ that myself, I'm not ready to be part of the solution. A heart that is humble and gentle is a heart God will use to bring peace in the midst of conflict. So, time to open the heart and ask for self control and grace.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” Colossians 3:12-15a
Step 2: UNDERSTAND
My experience tells me that no matter how much I think I completely understand the conflict, I might not. There is often another side that I don’t fully understand, and those I'm in conflict with won’t likely be open to connecting until they feel ‘heard’. So, once my heart is in the right place, it's time to go to those I'm in conflict with and listen hard to understand their point of view.( Note: if you feel unsafe going back to the person who hurt you, bring a mentor to mediate.) The purpose of meeting is not to blast them out of the water or tell them how upset I am. The first move is to seek to understand. This may pave the way for those who I offended to want to hear and understand too. So, this is time to just listen and only ask questions to gain clarity. I must not interrupt or correct them. I coach myself to "just listen. Listen to their heart and try to put yourself in their shoes. Be patient and bear with them, even if what they’re saying is driving you crazy. Remember, if you hear them out, they are more likely to hear you". When it is my turn to communicate, I tread softly. Attacking or generalizing or exaggerating will make things worse. I talk about how an interaction made me feel and how I understood what was going on, while affirming that I now see why the other person saw it differently. I try to clarify what I heard them say and offer empathy. It is so easy to say something hurtful and inflame the already tender situation. These situations don't always end with reconciliation. But, even if I feel attacked, I bite my tongue to keep from lashing back. Self control is so important... and if mine is running low, I ask God for more – it is one of the fruits God’s Spirit can grow in us. When it is tempting to bark out harsh words, I remember who I want to be as a peacemaker and as a sower of kindness and care and try not to descend into nastiness. Expressing my intention to be good to others and mend brokenness helps me to focus on “I” and “me” statements, not “YOU” accusations.
Examples: “It hurt me when you didn’t communicate with me before making that decision.” NOT “You should have asked me before you did it. You always act alone.” “It was hard for me when my ideas were put down. It made me not want to contribute to this team.” NOT: “You made me feel like crap when you put my idea down. You are mean.” “I have a different way of approaching that problem.” NOT: “You drive me crazy with your way of approaching problems. It’ll never work.”
In the ‘understanding’ phase, the goal isn't to find solutions. It’s all about gaining an accurate picture of the issues and problems and hopefully both parties owning their part in it.
3. BE Part of the Solution This is a good time for another attitude check. The desire to get even and punish will railroad any attempts at moving forward in a healthier way. To be part of the solution, we can't still part of the problem. Asking God’s help to forgive and to be open to reconciliation – to repairing the damage done so you can work together is crucial. This doesn’t mean we will now be best buddies, but it does mean that I no longer want to hurt them or hold power over them. When we want what is best for both of us, we’re ready to work at finding a solution that will be a win-win for everybody.
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas are psychologists who have recognized that we have different languages for apologies. If you don’t include the other person’s language, any attempt to make things right will feel weak and unacceptable.
Here’s the five apology languages they discovered:
1. Expressing regret – “I’m sorry”
2. Accepting responsibility – “I was wrong.”Let them know you understand why they would be upset.
3. Making restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Genuinely repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”(Check in later to tell them what change has been made to keep it from happening again.)
5. Requesting forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”
At this point you may feel the whole situation was just a big misunderstanding and be happy to continue to work together. But it's possible that there will still be some anger or a cool response. It's also possible that the relationship is so unhealthy it cannot work without big change and trust building. We can’t control other people – we can only do what we can to contribute to peace. The goal is to be free of the burden and shadow of the conflict by acting faithfully to honour God and the community. Treating the person with kindness and respect (including good boundaries) may bring peace in us and good fruit may yet come of it.
"You are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it... If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honoured, every part rejoices with it.” I Corinthians 12:26-27
Relationships can be easy -" I like people that make me like them, it saves so much work" (LM Montgomery's Aunt Josephine). But I've often found relating to a wide variety of people both rewarding and one of the biggest forces of personal growth. Let's keep working at creating a community where all are part of "us" and no one is relegated to a distant land of "them".
I have been struggling for years with questions about productivity, identity and motivation. I'm thankful that my life is structured so that I can ebb and flow with seasons of rest and hustle. I get motivated to write or cook a new recipe for my housemates or take care of my boy's needs or read a book or take a long walk with Cosmo or spend time talking heart to heart with Lance dreaming about next steps together or share a great story for wellness with others or stories of growth with close friends or to make music or listen for God's whispers.
My priorities move fluidly from day to day - and even throughout the day. I realize this is both a luxury and a puzzle to navigate. I need to time block into my schedule things that matter to me. But I forget to time block fun - connection - personal growth - 'unproductive' things.
When I got sick with CFIDS in my 20's it led to a lot of soul searching. I realized I'd always tied my sense of worth to my accomplishments, busy schedule and being liked. Am I still worthwhile if I can't contribute? There was guilt in being weak or feeling broken. My identity had to be rooted in something unchanging. I found rest for my soul in recognizing our value to God as a piece of art is valued by the artist - just for being an expression - an image bearer.
But guilt can still catch me in unguarded moments. Did I waste a day reading? Is my time spent on worthy pursuits? I know the value of rest, but still have a nagging sense that to do nothing or get lost in a book is laziness.
I've found this to be true: Every life is precious - we want to live our best life and live our purpose - but illness, trauma, job loss, COVID can sideline us. But life is still precious - wildly beautiful with possibility. Life has ebbs and flows - embracing a season of rest and healing is as sacred as pressing into a great big dream with everything we've got.
I'm deciding not to ride the guilt train when my mind and body crave quiet. It's part of how I'm made. My privilege each day is to look for where my priorities can be lived out - priorities of love and service in all their expressions - even quiet ones - in my family, my community and the places where I'm planted right now. Being who I'm made to be and offering that to the world is sacred work - productive use of this one wild spacious life.
I am so aware of the need to create rhythms for mental and spiritual health. For a few years, I've been experimenting with an ancient practice developed by Ignatius of Loyola called the Daily Examen. I was introduced to this form of reflection by a blog post from Dan Wilt that inspired me to try it.
If I spend my days focused on news anxiety, to-do lists and mindless activity without tending my soul, I feel robotic and disconnected from myself and others. Connecting to the One who knows and loves me unconditionally fuels my sense of purpose and meaning that nourishes my everyday world of activity. Beginning my day with stillness paired with emotional support oils and affirmations has been key to reorienting my soul to trust and peace. I've been impressed at how adding oils to my morning reflection has brought new possibilities, stability and emotional resilience.
Daily Examen Steps:
1. Be StillCease Striving.
Take several deep breaths guiding your body, mind and spirit to recognize that God is with us as we are, always present and always loving.
Breathe in awareness.
Breathe out distractions.
I choose a calming oil that is appealing (Lavender, Frankincense, Northern Lights Black Spruce, Stress Away, Copaiba, or Valor) and put a drop in the palm of my hand. I rub my hands together in a circular direction and then tent my hands over my nose and mouth and inhale deeply several times. With each breath, I silently pray or verbalize these affirmations.
Breathe in: "I am seen and known and loved today"
Breathe out: “I release tension and open my mind and heart to Love.”
2. Give Thanks
Choose an oil that you find appealing - Joy, Abundance, Gratitude, Valor, Lemon, Thieves, Panaway, Peppermint - make up a roller with your favourite combination to roll on your palm or put a drop in your hand, rub hands together to warm the oil and then tent it over your nose and mouth for a few deep breaths. Then put your hand with the oil over your heart as you reflect with Gratitude and say your affirmation.
Give thanks for every detail you can think of. “That kind word,” “That illuminating dream,” “The gift of colour and fragrance,” “That music I listened to,” or even “That painful situation that gives me another opportunity to grow.” Get good at identifying the details, and the gift within them. Nothing is too small to be grateful for.
Say aloud an affirmation like: "Your joy is my strength - put a song in my heart today."
3. Reflection Expose My Need
Ask, “How am I at this moment?” Explore a moment, memory or experience in which we felt God moving toward us or in us. What might God be trying to share with us? Reflect on moments when we found ourselves moving away from God in shame, fear, doubt, regret, disappointment and invite
God to sift them and turn them toward wholeness and healthy response.
Sometimes I find journaling helpful as I 'listen in' to my subconscious objections to my goals, plans and desire to love others. These can be helpful clues about things I need to release in the next step or to guide changes I need to make.
4. Pray and Release:
This step is a time to rest in the grace that God is bigger than our fears, problems, failures, hurts and concerns. We Offer joys, sorrows, or needs to God. Put down weapons of SELF-PROTECTION - or ways we push people away.
Choose an oil that addresses your emotion:Angry - PurificationApathetic - CedarwoodExhausted - PanawayAfraid - Valor or FrankincenseNervous - LavenderSad - Joy (with a Citrus Oil - optional)Worried - White AngelicaStressed - Peppermint
As before, put your oil of choice on the palm of your hands, rub them together and then tent them over your nose and mouth and take several deep breaths. Pray about things you want to release - anger, hurt, self-protection that no longer serves you, doubt, fear, insecurity. I usually also apply the oil left on my hands over my liver and abdomen for cleansing benefits as I release emotions that would hinder me in caring well for the people in my life.
5. Reorient to Trust & Hope:You can choose any calming scent for this last step. I usually choose to end my prayer time with White Angelica - an essential oil blend from Young Living that helps me not to pick up the negative energy and stress from people and situations around me. I apply this one like a shield over my shoulders, heart and head after putting a drop on my hand, rubbing palms together and then rubbing my hands over those areas. I can only let go of self protection when I remind myself that God can protect my mind and heart - attaching that affirmation to the scent of White Angelica can be a helpful place to restore peace, vision, and purpose to move into my day with joyful expectancy.
Affirmation: “Let Your ways of love unfold on earth as in heaven.” I focus on orienting my mind and heart to trust. Ask for eyes to see God's goodness unfold as we walk through our days.
The Lord Your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in You. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over You with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord Your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in You. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over You with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
