I have been struggling for years with questions about productivity, identity and motivation. I'm thankful that my life is structured so that I can ebb and flow with seasons of rest and hustle. I get motivated to write or cook a new recipe for my housemates or take care of my boy's needs or read a book or take a long walk with Cosmo or spend time talking heart to heart with Lance dreaming about next steps together or share a great story for wellness with others or stories of growth with close friends or to make music or listen for God's whispers.
My priorities move fluidly from day to day - and even throughout the day. I realize this is both a luxury and a puzzle to navigate. I need to time block into my schedule things that matter to me. But I forget to time block fun - connection - personal growth - 'unproductive' things.
When I got sick with CFIDS in my 20's it led to a lot of soul searching. I realized I'd always tied my sense of worth to my accomplishments, busy schedule and being liked. Am I still worthwhile if I can't contribute? There was guilt in being weak or feeling broken. My identity had to be rooted in something unchanging. I found rest for my soul in recognizing our value to God as a piece of art is valued by the artist - just for being an expression - an image bearer.
But guilt can still catch me in unguarded moments. Did I waste a day reading? Is my time spent on worthy pursuits? I know the value of rest, but still have a nagging sense that to do nothing or get lost in a book is laziness.
I've found this to be true: Every life is precious - we want to live our best life and live our purpose - but illness, trauma, job loss, COVID can sideline us. But life is still precious - wildly beautiful with possibility. Life has ebbs and flows - embracing a season of rest and healing is as sacred as pressing into a great big dream with everything we've got.
I'm deciding not to ride the guilt train when my mind and body crave quiet. It's part of how I'm made. My privilege each day is to look for where my priorities can be lived out - priorities of love and service in all their expressions - even quiet ones - in my family, my community and the places where I'm planted right now. Being who I'm made to be and offering that to the world is sacred work - productive use of this one wild spacious life.
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