Gary Chapman published many books about the Five Love Languages - a way of understanding what he was observing in his counselling practice. He talks about how learning to speak a person's primary love language radically affects attitudes, behaviour and a sense of security. It is clear that we behave differently when our love tank is full. As partners, friends, parents, teachers we are poised to make a great impact when we learn to speak the preferred language of the people we care for. Love is actions I choose to do to fuel the tank for another.
I'm aware that we have several tanks - physical, spiritual, social and emotional tanks that all need fuel and attentive care. Many of these needs are not up to others to fill. It is our unique responsibility to own our self care routines to make sure we are doing what we need to do to refuel for health and to have the resources to bring our best self to each day.
But, with Valentine's approaching, I wanted to focus on how we can be a blessing and learn to love well using Chapman's love languages for exploring. We all fuel a little differently and so it can be important to learn how to speak love differently to meet the needs of our close people. We often show love in our preferred language because that is the one we are most fluent in. It can be surprising to realize that the person we are trying to care for doesn't find our actions fuel for their emotional tank.
So often I hear friends say that their spouse cleans the kitchen and makes dinner, but what they really wish for is to hear encouragement or be given the gift of time together. One partner was speaking love through service, but it wasn't experienced as love by the other. It is so good to know that we can learn to speak our people's preferred language!
Love is a choice… so we start with deciding to choose loving actions trusting that the relational connection will flow from that whether we feel close right now or not.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude, Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been hurt. It is never glad about evil or injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
( I Corinthians 13: 4-8)
Physical Touch:
Loving touch communicates emotional connection and promotes healthy development for children and relationships. If this is someone's primary language, they will feel unloved and insecure without it.
I was wounded in the area of touch in my teen years and so grew to need a large personal space to feel safe. I remember a friend coming to visit and sliding her cold feet under my butt to warm them. That was uncomfortable for my space bubble - but obviously she thought nothing of it! :)
But I quickly learned as a parent that this love language was really important to all three of my boys. I knew I would have to work on getting fluent in this language fast. When they were small, it was natural to have them snuggle in for a story or nestle into my chest for a long cuddle.
Our morning routine in homeschool was to start with a bible reading and prayer and then pile on and around me to fill up the love tank with long hugs. Next was some physical activity - and then we were ready for learning! I found that when we started by pouring fuel into their love tank, the boys focussed better on the tasks and were more receptive to my leadership. Andrew was the most fluent in talking about when his love tank got low as he would ask for a hug.
As they got older, wrestling with Dad was a way to get close contact to fill the tank that appealed to their growing sense of 'guyness'. Lingering cuddles with Mom, were replaced with shoulder or foot massages. Even at 14, 18 and 21, my sons will lay their head on my lap or shoulder or ask for a hug when their tank is low. I listen if they want to talk - and if not, I pray over them as I rub their scalp knowing that God and I together can soothe, and care for the body and emotions.
How to speak Physical Touch:
Ask them what touch is pleasant and communicates care. It could be a touch on the shoulder, a foot massage, connecting by brushing shoulders in a crowd or giving their a squeeze hand when you know they need reassurance. People living alone in quarantine can give themselves a hug or shoulder rub to fuel the need for calming touch. Snuggling with a pet can also meet a need for closeness. For partners, holding hands on a walk, a warm welcome hug when they come home, or a snuggle together under a blanket while watching a movie can speak ‘connection’. Sexual intimacy will be a vital part of identity for people with this language.
How We Use Essential Oils to Enhance the Expression of Touch:
Massage Roller - We fill a 10 ml Roller Bottle with 10 drops each of PanAway, Copaiba, Peppermint and then top up with a Coconut Oil to use for back rubs, shoulder massage or for self care by applying anywhere we have pain or tension. It can really help some types of headache pain, too! What I like about this one is that I can use it for myself when no one is there to offer touch and still feel like it penetrates the muscle in a way that is soothing, communicates care and helps break up tension. (When we don't have this combination, Deep Relief Roller is our other favourite choice.)
Lavender & Frankincense are awesome for skin, immune and emotional care that is safe for children! Rubbing this combination into feet with a carrier oil is great for calming frustrated or grumpy children (and adults) and bringing a soothing calm. In a roller bottle, this combination is perfect for ouches, coughs, and soothing life’s bumps and bruises. Diffusing these oils can calm the whole mood of the house and help the body prepare for rest.
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