“Thanks for telling me what you need!”
I found myself saying this to Cosmo, our 5 year old toy poodle, yesterday and it got me thinking about self protection.
Cosmo came from an unpredictable, threatening environment. He was 2.5 years old when we got him from a New York rescue. The moment he arrived he looked for the most nurturing person in the room and grabbed hold tightly. We wanted a dog for our youngest son, but he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. Eating was tricky. His digestive system was delicate and it took awhile to figure out the right food routine. He never let us know he needed to go out. He’d been trained to toilet on pee pads inside. He had never had experience walking for exercise. He didn’t know how to play. I found him really anxious, clingy and unpredictable. We needed to figure out some healthy routines and boundaries to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.
Alternately he was very reactionary. The world was approached as a threatening place and so strangers, opening a door, loud noises, walking near any other animal resulted in quick aggression. He would bite, growl and bark aggressively to warn away anybody who wasn’t family. He was very protective of me and would run to bite anyone outside our family circle who got too close while he was on my lap or walking with me. He allowed others in only if they were seated, quiet, nurturing and calm. We still have to watch him closely and teach him how to socialize with people. I don’t think he will ever socialize with other animals.
Three years later, he loves his routines. The predictability, the regular connection, the stimulation of performing tricks for rewards in the evening if he eats his dinner. He loves our essential oils that have relieved his digestive discomfort and help him feel nurtured. He relaxes deeply and lives very peacefully in our home.
Back to yesterday, I started to wash his dog dishes to refill with water and food after our morning walk and got distracted by putting away the dishes on the counter. Cosmo did a quick bark - just a signal - to remind me to finish the job of giving him water and food. To signal and ask for what he needs seems to be a sign of feeling safe. It means he is confident that his people want his needs to be met. My response was: “Thanks for telling me what you need!”
The sentence rang in my soul after I said it.
I realized that I, too, need to remind my heart that communicating need is not wrong - or burdening those who want to love us. My husband, sons and friends can’t read my mind. I need to learn how to ask for what I need.
I learned early to be a pleaser, a helper, an achiever and found it easy to defer and respond to the needs of others - but I can numb out and get lost in the exchange. Learning the vulnerability of admitting I need things from my people - that I have needs that should be factored into the plans each day - keeps me alive and present instead of numb, robotic and remote. We creatures connect in the places of our need… intimacy and trust is built on these connections without which the soul starves.
I’m committed to continuing to grow in communicating needs in healthy ways - not passive aggressive or sarcastic or withdrawing and self pity at a safe distance - not blaming when other's don’t perceive what my hints imply or anticipate what I might enjoy- not assuming someone doesn’t care because they can’t read my mind - not perceiving that the world is a harsh and threatening place that I need walls to survive. Just a simple ask from a place of vulnerability to people I trust because they want to love me well.
I hope, friends, that you have found a safe place where you can bring your needs without fear or without feeling like you are ‘too much’. Safety is one of the foundations on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - from there we can grow, create and life becomes full of possibilities!
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