The Love Language of Touch

The Love Language of Touch
Yesterday was a food day - meaning I spent most of my day on food planning, buying and preparing. 

After my shower, essential oil routine, and reading a daily reflection, I walked the dog and then fed him. Then I cleaned off the counter and I made breakfast smoothies for 4/5 of us. As I drank mine with my supplements, I made this week's meal plan and checked the cupboards to compile my grocery list. A few more household chores and a second dog walk delayed my trip to Costco. I stood in the -7 degree cold wind as the line moved slowly forward to the door to the warm inside. I was happy to exceed my step goal for the day by walking around the giant box store as I worked my way through my list. Feeding a growing teenager and two young men alongside Lance and I - alongside our various food restrictions - takes a full cart of varying healthy options! Getting the items through the check out and bagging them as I load the car is a good workout. The boys carried the large load into the kitchen where I put things in better portion sizes and found the right configuration to fit things in cupboards and fridge like a complicated game of Tetris. I sat down on the couch and read a book to rest after my labors. Then a request for an early supper got me back on my feet chopping veggies for Mulligatawny Soup and making extra veggie sticks for snacks and lunches. 

I sat down tired at the kitchen table with the large pot simmering behind me when Andrew came up and asked about my day as he gave my a shoulder rub! Touch can be so humanizing - "I am not a machine measured by productivity and efficiency." It was pleasant to remember that I thrive on connection and understanding - compassion and relationship! As Andrew rubbed my shoulders - he is good at it! - I was reminded how much we need to connect. We all have emotional, relational needs that we can help each other meet with simple things like a 3 minute shoulder rub. We talked about things we'd been thinking about and shared the experience of being seen, heard and valued. It didn't take long. I was reminded that we all have a unique ability to put fuel in the tank for each other as we learn what speaks love to our people. 

After some work tasks, yesterday ended with a cuddle on the couch with Lance and Cosmo watching a movie. Ahhh - simple pleasures. 

Gary Chapman published many books about the Five Love Languages - a way of understanding what he was observing in his counselling practice. He talks about how learning to speak a person's primary love language radically affects attitudes, behaviour and a sense of security. It is clear that we behave differently when our love tank is full. As partners, friends, parents, teachers we are poised to make a great impact when we learn to speak the preferred language of the people we care for. Love is actions I choose to do to fuel the tank for another.


I'm aware that we have several tanks - physical, spiritual, social and emotional tanks that all need fuel and attentive care. Many of these needs are not up to others to fill. It is our unique responsibility to own our self care routines to make sure we are doing what we need to do to refuel for health and to have the resources to bring our best self to each day.  


But, with Valentine's approaching, I wanted to focus on how we can be a blessing and learn to love well using Chapman's love languages for exploring. We all fuel a little differently and so it can be important to learn how to speak love differently to meet the needs of our close people. We often show love in our preferred language because that is the one we are most fluent in. It can be surprising to realize that the person we are trying to care for doesn't find our actions fuel for their emotional tank. 


So often I hear friends say that their spouse cleans the kitchen and makes dinner, but what they really wish for is to hear encouragement or be given the gift of time together. One partner was speaking love through service, but it wasn't experienced as love by the other. It is so good to know that we can learn to speak our people's preferred language!


Love is a choice… so we start with deciding to choose loving actions trusting that the relational connection will flow from that whether we feel close right now or not.


“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude, Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been hurt.  It is never glad about evil or injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

( I Corinthians 13: 4-8)


Patience, kindness, not being rude or selfish or keeping lists of ways the other hurt me are all actions we can do regardless of fluttery hearts and cupids. Love is actions that speak respect and care even if we don't like each other yet. 

To avoid getting too long, today I'll just focus on the Language I experienced that triggered these thoughts today - the Love Language of Touch. 

Physical Touch:  

Loving touch communicates emotional connection and promotes healthy development for children and relationships.  If this is someone's primary language, they will feel unloved and insecure without it.


I was wounded in the area of touch in my teen years and so grew to need a large personal space to feel safe. I remember a friend coming to visit and sliding her cold feet under my butt to warm them. That was uncomfortable for my space bubble - but obviously she thought nothing of it! :)


But I quickly learned as a parent that this love language was really important to all three of my boys. I knew I would have to work on getting fluent in this language fast. When they were small, it was natural to have them snuggle in for a story or nestle into my chest for a long cuddle. 


Our morning routine in homeschool was to start with a bible reading and prayer and then pile on and around me to fill up the love tank with long hugs. Next was some physical activity - and then we were ready for learning! I found that when we started by pouring fuel into their love tank, the boys focussed better on the tasks and were more receptive to my leadership. Andrew was the most fluent in talking about when his love tank got low as he would ask for a hug. 


As they got older, wrestling with Dad was a way to get close contact to fill the tank that appealed to their growing sense of 'guyness'. Lingering cuddles with Mom, were replaced with shoulder or foot massages. Even at 14, 18 and 21, my sons will lay their head on my lap  or shoulder or ask for a hug when their tank is low. I listen if they want to talk - and if not, I pray over them as I rub their scalp knowing that God and I together can soothe, and care for the body and emotions.


How to speak Physical Touch:

Ask them what touch is pleasant and communicates care. It could be a touch on the shoulder, a foot massage, connecting by brushing shoulders in a crowd or giving their a squeeze hand when you know they need reassurance. People living alone in quarantine can give themselves a hug or shoulder rub to fuel the need for calming touch. Snuggling with a pet can also meet a need for closeness. For partners, holding hands on a walk, a warm welcome hug when they come home, or a snuggle together under a blanket while watching a movie can speak ‘connection’. Sexual intimacy will be a vital part of identity for people with this language. 


How We Use Essential Oils to Enhance the Expression of Touch:


We quickly found that many essential oils are great for applying to the skin topically in a carrier oil like coconut or vegetable oil. We find Young Living Oils have given us our best results so we will reference those: 

  • Massage Roller - We fill a 10 ml Roller Bottle with 10 drops each of PanAway, Copaiba, Peppermint and then top up with a Coconut Oil to use for back rubs, shoulder massage or for self care by applying anywhere we have pain or tension. It can really help some types of headache pain, too! What I like about this one is that I can use it for myself when no one is there to offer touch and still feel like it penetrates the muscle in a way that is soothing, communicates care and helps break up tension. (When we don't have this combination, Deep Relief Roller is our other favourite choice.) 

  • Lavender & Frankincense are awesome for skin, immune and emotional care that is safe for children! Rubbing this combination into feet with a carrier oil is great for calming frustrated or grumpy children (and adults) and bringing a soothing calm. In a roller bottle, this combination is perfect for ouches, coughs, and soothing life’s bumps and bruises. Diffusing these oils can calm the whole mood of the house and help the body prepare for rest. 


Even though the language of physical touch wasn't natural to me at first, it was awesome to find that I could learn to speak it fluently to love well those in my care who need love spoken this way! 

As we lead up to Valentine's Day, I'll highlight the other four love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time! 

Take a moment with your loved ones today to experiment and guess which language might be their favourite... and enjoy connecting and learning to fill the love tank!


Unconventional Handyman!

Unconventional Handyman!
Being married to a creative visionary can sometimes make house jobs interesting!
One adventure was prompted by a boys day with cousins where a nerf gun fight took over both levels of our home while I was with the girl cousins in Brantford many years ago. The light fixture over the stairs leading to the second floor was damaged. 
That was fine with me. I never liked that light fixture and now I had an excuse to change it. 
So I bought the fixture and Lance came up with a plan to get up there to do the job. 
He put all the boy's twin mattresses to cover the stairs and landing. He took a box spring mattress and placed it across the railing just under the chandelier for a scaffold. Then he tied an extension cord around his own waist and the waists of 14 year old James and 11 year old Nathan as a backup measure in case the mattress or railing failed him. 
Soft landing - check. Safety harness - check. 
Just one thing missing - hockey equipment for extra protection! 
Fully outfitted, he was ready to tackle the job. He put on his tool belt with everything he would need to take down the old and install the new light fixture. He got on the mattress... started to undo the screws of the base... then realized he hadn't turned off the power!
So tied together, the three guys slid down the mattress covered stairway and headed to the basement electrical panel. I don't know if any of our housemates were here to witness. I refused to watch after hearing the plan. I went out to get groceries. 
Okay - power off. 
Lance and the boys climbed the mattress mountain tied together to get back into position. Lance mounted the box spring and felt steady to accomplish the rest of the task. 



I grew up with a Dad who was an electronics technician and really great at practical fix it jobs. So Lance's approach to house jobs often makes me laugh nervously until its finished. 
But, he always comes through! He gets it done - just a little unconventionally! It's amazing the jobs he has tackled and learned since we got married! Since Youtube tutorials came along, he is becoming quite the pro! He has proved that good learners can teach themselves all kinds of things!
Love you, Lance!!

Gluten-Free Granola

When I was living at Silver Lake Camp and Lance was director, I noticed how little protein was included in most breakfast cereals that were the staple of many morning offerings. The egg meals with meat lasted longer to help staff make it to lunchtime with good nourishing fuel, but the cold breakfast offerings were nutritionally deficient. Commercial cereals were high in sugar and processed grains that elevate blood sugars but then burn off quickly leaving most staff and campers with a sugar crash in the late morning long before lunch. We tried adding yogurt, but the food industry keeps adding sugar and fillers to these and dairy-free diets were left with only bread options... and fruit. I had a blender and could make morning smoothies to keep myself fuelled - but that was not a good option for just under one hundred people on site. 

So I asked my friend, Linda Jacobs for her granola recipe which my family has tweaked for our allergies. We made a nut-free version for camp and offered it as an option on cereal morning. It became a favourite as it kept bodies fuelled well all morning long. 

This version makes a large batch to last my family a month or more as a breakfast and snacking option. We have added protein powder to increase the staying power for growing teenage boys, but for lesser protein needs, feel free to leave it out. 


You can cut this recipe in half for smaller households! 

INGREDIENTS:
  • 9 cups Gluten Free Oats (this just means they weren't grown with wheat to get cross pollinated).
  • 1 cup Milled Flax Seed
  • 1 cup Milled Chia Seeds
  • 1 cup Hemp Seeds
  • 2 tbsp Cinnamon
  • 1/4- 1/2 cup Brown Sugar
  • 4 Scoops of Vanilla Protein Powder or Collagen of Choice (We find this adds sweetness so we use less sugar but it is optional.)
  • Nuts and Seeds - add as you wish - Pumpkin Seeds, Sunflower Seeds, Slivered Almonds, Sesame Seeds
Combine dry ingredients in a large bowl and mix well.

In a large measuring cup or separate bowl combine:
  • 3/4 Cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil or Liquid Coconut Oil
  • 3/4 Cup Honey
  • 1 tbsp Vanilla Extract
  • 1/2 Can of Apple Juice Concentrate (Optional - makes a chewier texture- we leave this out)
INSTRUCTIONS:
  1. Pour wet ingredients over dry in a very large mixing bowl. Mix well to coat (using our hands works well!).
  2. Pour granola in two 9"x!3" pans or larger (approximately 2" deep)
  3. Bake at 300 F for 15 minutes.
  4. Remove granola from oven to stir well before returning it to bake another 15 minutes.
  5. Let cool completely and store in air tight containers for adding to ice cream sundaes, or for an easy nutrient dense breakfast. You only need a little to fill up most adults. :)
Enjoy experimenting!

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Peppermint Patties

  • Dec 17, 2020 01:08 PM Central
  • Peggy Wright
  • 0 Comments
I love mint chocolate - and these are just the right treat for this time of year!

INGREDIENTS:
  • 1 cup Shredded Unsweetened Coconut
  • 4 tablespoons Coconut Oil
  • 1/4 cup Honey
  • 12 drops YL Dietary Peppermint Oil
  • 1 cup Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips
INSTRUCTIONS:
  1. Mix Coconut, Coconut Oil, Honey and Peppermint Oil together to form a smooth paste. You may do this in a food processor to make the shredded coconut finer. 
  2. Shape into 1.5" balls or drop onto parchment paper on a cookie sheet and freeze for 10-15 minutes.
  3. Melt the chocolate chips in a double boiler or microwave on medium power. Remove the patties from the freezer and roll the in the chocolate to coat them well. Harden the chocolate by placing in the freezer on the cookie sheet until solid. 
  4. Place them in an airtight container and store them in the fridge until ready to serve.
Enjoy a healthy version of this favourite treat!!


Yikes - A Dog Bite!

Lance works for CityKidz - an organization committed to building resilience in Hamilton's inner city families. During Covid Restrictions, City Kidz has not been able to bus in children to the theatre for a meal and production on Saturdays - so they decided to take pop up programs to the doors of their kids! The production team and fun hosts accompany leaders who regularly do home visits throughout the year to provide a magic trick, a song, a game, and a story with a character building focus. Lance was on a route with two new volunteers leading the program with a few children who stepped outside November 7, 2020. He had just performed a magic trick talking about possiblities beyond what we can see or imagine. He had vaguely noticed a dog run out of a house nearby with children chasing him. But Lance was focussed - right up until the dog came from behind and tore open his hand. It was a warning nip, I think - Lance was too close to home. But all Lance knew was that a flap of skin and amount of blood meant a trip to the hospital. 

Lance called me from the hospital where they were doing a very thorough job of wound cleaning before giving him two stitches and some steri-strips to hold the skin in place as it healed. All I saw was a very bandaged hand for several days. Lance had to shower one handed as he held the other hand above his head to keep it from getting wet. When we finally removed the bandage the wound in the picture was revealed. 

So how do we care for a wound like this? 

I decided we had to clean away the dried blood to get a better look at the wound. So I put some Epsom Salts with a drop or two of Frankincense and Lavender - our skin loving essential oils - into a bowl with some water and let him soak for 5-10 minutes. Then I used a piece of sterile gauze to dab it dry and wipe around it to remove any last traces of dried blood. 

Our favourite way to care for scratches, cuts and abrasions is to help the body heal with Helichrysum, Frankincense and Copaiba. I have two roller pre-made and ready for such a time as this! One with Helichrysum diluted with coconut oil - and the other with Frankincense and Copaiba combined for helping with swelling and cleaning. We applied these around the wound and then wrapped it back up. The doctor's office checked it to remove stitches on Day 7 but only one stitch was ready to come out. We were told to help dry it out more. So I changed from using the roller with coconut oil to just using a drop of Helichrysum directly on the cut, as eo's generally are drying to skin. Then we applied the Frankincense/ Copaiba roller on the swelling around the cut and left it open to the air for the night. We covered it only for work but removed it for rest periods. 

A month later, the skin has totally reattached and regenerated! I love how the body can do that! Our ability to keep the area clean and support healthy tissue growth naturally has made everyday wounds so much less scary! I love having effective tools at my fingertips with my Essential Oil kit! 

Did you know?

The reintroduction of essential oils into Modern Medicine first began during the late 19th and early 20th century. Aromatic ointments and essences were used in civilian and military hospitals in WW1. Jean Valnet, a medical doctor practicing in Paris exhausted his supply of antibiotics while stationed in China during WW2. He began using essential oils on patients suffering battlefield injuries. To his surprise, the essential oils showed a powerful effect in fighting infection. The work of studying antiviral, antibacterial, antifungal and antiseptic properties in essential oils was expanded in France by Dr. Valnet's students. In 1990, Dr. Daniel Penoel, a medical doctor collaborated with Pierre Franchomme, a biochemist to co-author the first reference book, "l'aromatherapie exactement" that cataloged the various medical properties of over 270 essential oils and how to use them.

Nice to know that even medical doctors in crazy situations have found essential oils to be a great help in encouraging the body's ability to heal!

I'm just happy to have Lance whole and healthy again! 

Oh... and the dog? He will stay properly leashed and a Beware of Dog warning is posted on the door as the owners work to keep her under control. 

Lance was just thankful the dog went after him and not any of the children or volunteers that day. He was most bummed about missing a hockey game and a golf game with his sons while the weather was fine! But he is a resilient guy who always puts a positive spin on the crazy happenings of life! I'm so glad he's my partner!


 
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