Lance and I learned early on that we couldn’t rest on yesterday’s love - we needed to find fresh expression everyday. Emotional contentment feeds security, creativity, connection and brings out the best in us!
Often people that are acts of service people will offer love in their own language. But if their partner or child or team-mate need quality time, words of encouragement or physical touch, the service won't reach it's intended target of filling the emotional tank. It can be puzzling when our efforts don't result in our people feeling loved.
Acts of Service:
Doing things you know the other would like you to do for them is a love language that fills the tank of a person with this preference. It can be ordinary things like making a meal, doing the laundry, vacuuming the rug. Identify what would communicate love to your loved ones. Ask them to name four things that if you do them regularly would fill their emotional tank.
This is my husband, Lance’s favourite way to experience love. Everyday I know that if I make him a morning smoothie and dinner, refill his drawers magically with clean laundry, keep our relationship a healthy safe space, and partner with him in managing our finances or house jobs, I am filling up his emotional tank. He always notices and comments on how much he enjoys meals and appreciates my efforts. Early on he taught the boys to thank me for every dinner I make. I love words of affirmation and appreciation - so this works well for us! He also speaks this language as a labour of love daily in dishes, fixing things, and taking on the unpleasant tasks that no one else volunteers for.
How to speak the Love Language of Service:
Getting to a chore that has been put off will speak louder than a dozen roses. Working together on a project and investing time in a shared passion will be very bonding and meaningful.
Using our Thieves Household Cleaner around the house makes our shared space warm, inviting and healthy. Thieves scent speaks calm, immune and adrenal support to create a healing environment while doing the jobs that matter to our loved ones with this love language. Early in our marriage, Lance voiced a preference for clean surfaces and floors, but he never notices dust - so I focus my first energy on things that matter to him.
Purifying the air with Thieves or Purification for prevention or during grimy house jobs can make a big difference to feeling supported while we work. Lance worked on basement mold one day and started to feel ill. Moving the diffuser and Purification into the space cleared the air so he could finish a nasty job. Tackling nasty jobs is one of the ways Lance shows his love for our family.
Diffuse motivating oils like Lemon & Peppermint to energize you for the tasks - and remind yourself of the labour of love they are!
Taking time regularly to assess needs with our loved ones can lay the foundation for trust, confidence, peace and connection. I find my guys are more receptive to growth, feedback, and disagreements when we come with a clear knowledge that we are valued, respected and cared for.
Learning about love languages gave me hope that even if I'm not fluent in my loved one's languages - I can learn them. Even when it is uncomfortable for me, my family and friends appreciate my efforts. Becoming somewhat fluent in all the languages help us love well the people in our families, workplaces and those placed in our care.
Receiving Gifts:
A gift is a tangible way to express caring thoughts. It is something symbolic that says: “I'm thinking of you.” This person also wants the gift of presence during a crisis - in fact it is extremely wounding to be absent at these times. Making the effort to 'be there' in critical moments speaks loudly of love.
“This is my Mom’s love language. She loves surprises being remembered with visits, flowers, even small tokens of affection. She keeps every drawing given to her from her Grandchildren! By far, the hardest thing for her to sort through and dispose of are memorabilia. Each object holds a memory that reminds her of a special person or moment in her life. I’ve been helping her clean up the storage area in her basement and I kept losing her to nostalgia and calling her back to the task since she wanted to get this job done in the few hours I was there. We put aside a box of old photos as a reward to look at when the task was done!“
Lance surprised me one Christmas by arranging some musician friends of ours to record with me the songs I’d written. Though this isn’t one of my top love languages - that one registered a big infusion into my emotional tank! And it was a project together - what language does that speak?
How to speak the Love Language of Gifts:
Thoughtful gifts are an investment in your relationship, but don't have to be costly. Gifts have to be accompanied by thoughtfulness and sincerity to feel authentic. They say: “You are appreciated and known and remembered!”
Oils to enhance this language:
Make up a personal roller or blend that reminds this person of special moments you’ve shared or responds to a specific need that they voiced and surprise them with it. Or create a scent you associate with time together and make it your own! Package it in a way that communicates knowledge and care.
A Walk through the woods - Northern Lights Black Spruce, Lemon, Frankincense
A Spring Day/ Happy Vibes - Lavender, Lemon, Peppermint
Christmas Baking - Thieves, Peppermint, NLBS OR the blend called: Christmas Spirit
Calming & Unwinding Together - Lavender, Frankincense
What about you? Is this your favourite love language? Tell a story of a special gift. Do you have an oil that is attached to a significant memory for you?
Let's talk QUALITY TIME:
Undivided attention, active listening (that's all the empathy sounds and little feedback words that come so naturally to some of our favourite people), doing things together, making it a priority to be together even if its getting a job done as a team, and understanding dialogue is the fuel to fill the love tank of anyone with this preference.
My son, Andrew is expressive and verbal and used to follow me around the house talking at me all day. I had never experienced this before. I was overwhelmed by the constant incoming noise. As an introvert I try to dial down external stimuli to leave room for processing my inner world - thoughts, reflections, visions, connections. But in order to love Andrew, I needed to make sure he felt heard. Thankfully in homeschool we had daily undivided time to read and talk about the world together. This became a favourite time for both of us.
When Lance and I started dating, I’d get anxious when I saw how full his calendar was. I would only relax when I saw a L&P date day coming up. I could handle our individuality, but in order to feel loved, I had to feel like time together was a priority.
To Speak the Love Language of Quality Time:
+ Set Dates: I love gifts of coupons with ideas of things we can do together. Take time to plan meaningful dates.
+ Share childhood memories to really understand your person - tell shared stories and laugh together!
+ Relax together doing something one or both of you enjoy.
+ Make a list of things you would enjoy doing together.
A Homeschool Mom of eight children made her New Year's Resolution to spend at least 5 minutes of everyday with each child giving her full attention - not just talking while she got a task done from her list. That is the simple gift of quality time!
Incorporate Essential Oils:
Help your loved one identify their mood or needs and then choose a diffuser blend together to create a safe, supportive atmosphere to share heart conversations. Allow the fragrance to calm and focus you so that you can be fully present. Experiment together to find your signature fragrance that will recall these intimate sharing times anytime you smell it! You are creating your own special memory scent!
Love is the soil out of which healthy life is supported and grows into fullness. It is essential for emotional health. Unconditional love becomes a constant source of security and significance. Without it the soul starves.
Message of unconditional love: “Nothing you can do would make me love you more… and nothing you could do would make me love you less.”
Yet, sometimes our efforts to demonstrate care aren’t received as love! “I do the laundry, I cook dinner, I say kind words… what do you mean you don’t feel loved?!?”
How do we speak “I love you” in language that is received as fuel for the emotional tank.
Our experience of love is all about finding ways to help fill the Emotional Tank:
Learning to speak a person's primary love language radically affects attitudes, behaviour and a sense of security. We behave differently when our love tank is full. As partners, friends, parents, teachers we choose to learn to speak the preferred language of the people we love. Love is a choice to learn to fuel the tank.
Words of Affirmation:
“The tongue has the power of life and death.” The person with this preference is fuelled by appreciation, compliments, & affirmation. One definition of ‘encourage’ is: “to inspire courage.” Criticism will feel harsher to a person with this love language. Be gentle when offering correction or asking for change.
Words of affirmation is one of my favourite ways to give and receive love. At camp, I loved when we made encouragement posters where we put our name in the middle of the page and then passed it around for people to affirm positive things we saw in each other. We called them warm fuzzies - and that is always how I felt when I read over the messages from my peers. I always put up one of these posters in my locker to remind me of my best self when high school started to feel numbing.
How to speak the love language Words of Affirmation:
Compliment them in the presence of others, Affirm their strengths, Brag about your children or your spouse, Study encouragement, Write a love note.
*When it feels foreign to speak this language just remind yourself that this is what makes your loved one feel full. To them, words are important. Your intention matters more than your fluency.
Oils that pair well with this language:
Emotional Support oils + affirmations spoken over us daily.
When you’re feeling:
+ Angry or Negative: Purification - “I release anger and choose laughter”
+ Exhaustion or Pain: PanAway - “I nurture myself”
+ Insecure or Overwhelmed: Valor - “God is with me and gives me strength & courage”
+ Fear: Frankincense - “I am valued and directed”
+ Criticized or Nervous: Lavender - “I receive unconditional love & acceptance”
+ Sad: Joy - “the Spirit of Joy is my strength and my song”
+ Worried or Weak: White Angelica - “a lot of what weighs you down isn’t yours to carry”- “I am protected and shielded from the negative emotions of others.”
+ Stressed or Facing Failure: Peppermint - “I accept growth and peace”
*Diffuse your choice of oils to create a calm space
*Apply to your wrist and/or over your heart or wherever you feel the emotion.
*Put 1-2 drops into your left hand and rub hands together to warm the oil then cup hands over nose and breathe in deeply and out slowly.
