Quality Time Speaks Volumes

Quality Time Speaks Volumes
February is the month of expressing love to our significant people! I thinks it's awesome to have a month dedicated to thinking carefully about how we care for our family and friends. But we can't survive on having our love language spoken once or twice a year. 

Security comes from love finding fresh expression everyday. And using their preferred love language will help get the message across without an interpreter needed. :)

 Let's talk QUALITY TIME:


Undivided attention, active listening (that's all the empathy sounds and little feedback words that come so naturally to some of our favourite people), doing things together, making it a priority to be together even if its getting a job done as a team, and understanding dialogue is the fuel to fill the love tank of anyone with this preference. 


My son, Andrew is expressive and verbal and used to follow me around the house talking at me all day. I had never experienced this before. I was overwhelmed by the constant incoming noise. As an introvert I try to dial down external stimuli to leave room for processing my inner world - thoughts, reflections, visions, connections. But in order to love Andrew, I needed to make sure he felt heard. Thankfully in homeschool we had daily undivided time to read and talk about the world together. This became a favourite time for both of us.



When Lance and I started dating, I’d get anxious when I saw how full his calendar was. I would only relax when I saw a L&P date day coming up. I could handle our individuality, but in order to feel loved, I had to feel like time together was a priority.


What about you? Do you have someone in your inner circle with this preferred language for making them feel loved? 

To Speak the Love Language of Quality Time: 

 + Set Dates: I love gifts of coupons with ideas of things we can do together. Take time to plan meaningful dates. 

 + Share childhood memories to really understand your person - tell shared stories and laugh together!

 + Relax together doing something one or both of you enjoy. 

 + Make a list of things you would enjoy doing together.  


A Homeschool Mom of eight children made her New Year's Resolution to spend at least 5 minutes of everyday with each child giving her full attention - not just talking while she got a task done from her list. That is the simple gift of quality time!



Incorporate Essential Oils:

Help your loved one identify their mood or needs and then choose a diffuser blend together to create a safe, supportive atmosphere to share heart conversations. Allow the fragrance to calm and focus you so that you can be fully present. Experiment together to find your signature fragrance that will recall these intimate sharing times anytime you smell it! You are creating your own special memory scent! 




The Love Language of Words

The Love Language of Words

Love is the soil out of which healthy life is supported and grows into fullness.  It is essential for emotional health.  Unconditional love becomes a constant source of security and significance. Without it the soul starves.


Message of unconditional love: “Nothing you can do would make me love you more… and nothing you could do would make me love you less.” 


Yet, sometimes our efforts to demonstrate care aren’t received as love!  “I do the laundry, I cook dinner, I say kind words… what do you mean you don’t feel loved?!?” 


How do we speak “I love you” in language that is received as fuel for the emotional tank. 


Our experience of love is all about finding ways to help fill the Emotional Tank:

Learning to speak a person's primary love language radically affects attitudes, behaviour and a sense of security.  We behave differently when our love tank is full. As partners, friends, parents, teachers we choose to learn to speak the preferred language of the people we love. Love is a choice to learn to fuel the tank.

Words of Affirmation: 

“The tongue has the power of life and death.” The person with this preference is fuelled by appreciation, compliments, & affirmation. One definition of ‘encourage’ is: “to inspire courage.” Criticism will feel harsher to a person with this love language. Be gentle when offering correction or asking for change. 


Words of affirmation is one of my favourite ways to give and receive love. At camp, I loved when we made encouragement posters where we put our name in the middle of the page and then passed it around for people to affirm positive things we saw in each other. We called them warm fuzzies - and that is always how I felt when I read over the messages from my peers. I always put up one of these posters in my locker to remind me of my best self when high school started to feel numbing.


How to speak the love language Words of Affirmation: 

Compliment them in the presence of others, Affirm their strengths, Brag about your children or your spouse, Study encouragement, Write a love note. 

*When it feels foreign to speak this language just remind yourself that this is what makes your loved one feel full. To them, words are important. Your intention matters more than your fluency. 


Oils that pair well with this language: 

Emotional Support oils + affirmations spoken over us daily.

- I say these affirmations to fill my own tank as I need it. But I love when someone else speaks them over me. 

When you’re feeling:

+ Angry or Negative: Purification - “I release anger and choose laughter”

+ Exhaustion or Pain: PanAway - “I nurture myself”

+ Insecure or Overwhelmed: Valor - “God is with me and gives me strength & courage”

+ Fear: Frankincense - “I am valued and directed”

+ Criticized or Nervous: Lavender - “I receive unconditional love & acceptance”

+ Sad: Joy - “the Spirit of Joy is my strength and my song”

+ Worried or Weak: White Angelica - “a lot of what weighs you down isn’t yours to carry”- “I am protected and shielded from the negative emotions of others.”

+ Stressed or Facing Failure: Peppermint - “I accept growth and peace”


*Diffuse your choice of oils to create a calm space

*Apply to your wrist and/or over your heart or wherever you feel the emotion.

*Put 1-2 drops into your left hand and rub hands together to warm the oil then cup hands over nose and breathe in deeply and out slowly.


I'm realizing that one of the reasons certain scriptures speak life to me is that they root my sense of self and worth in words of affirmation from the One who made me. If you relate to this, check out these passages and start your own collection to speak over your life. Zephaniah 3:17, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 27:13-14, Psalm 139, Isaiah 40:31, Psalm 103.



The Love Language of Touch

The Love Language of Touch
Yesterday was a food day - meaning I spent most of my day on food planning, buying and preparing. 

After my shower, essential oil routine, and reading a daily reflection, I walked the dog and then fed him. Then I cleaned off the counter and I made breakfast smoothies for 4/5 of us. As I drank mine with my supplements, I made this week's meal plan and checked the cupboards to compile my grocery list. A few more household chores and a second dog walk delayed my trip to Costco. I stood in the -7 degree cold wind as the line moved slowly forward to the door to the warm inside. I was happy to exceed my step goal for the day by walking around the giant box store as I worked my way through my list. Feeding a growing teenager and two young men alongside Lance and I - alongside our various food restrictions - takes a full cart of varying healthy options! Getting the items through the check out and bagging them as I load the car is a good workout. The boys carried the large load into the kitchen where I put things in better portion sizes and found the right configuration to fit things in cupboards and fridge like a complicated game of Tetris. I sat down on the couch and read a book to rest after my labors. Then a request for an early supper got me back on my feet chopping veggies for Mulligatawny Soup and making extra veggie sticks for snacks and lunches. 

I sat down tired at the kitchen table with the large pot simmering behind me when Andrew came up and asked about my day as he gave my a shoulder rub! Touch can be so humanizing - "I am not a machine measured by productivity and efficiency." It was pleasant to remember that I thrive on connection and understanding - compassion and relationship! As Andrew rubbed my shoulders - he is good at it! - I was reminded how much we need to connect. We all have emotional, relational needs that we can help each other meet with simple things like a 3 minute shoulder rub. We talked about things we'd been thinking about and shared the experience of being seen, heard and valued. It didn't take long. I was reminded that we all have a unique ability to put fuel in the tank for each other as we learn what speaks love to our people. 

After some work tasks, yesterday ended with a cuddle on the couch with Lance and Cosmo watching a movie. Ahhh - simple pleasures. 

Gary Chapman published many books about the Five Love Languages - a way of understanding what he was observing in his counselling practice. He talks about how learning to speak a person's primary love language radically affects attitudes, behaviour and a sense of security. It is clear that we behave differently when our love tank is full. As partners, friends, parents, teachers we are poised to make a great impact when we learn to speak the preferred language of the people we care for. Love is actions I choose to do to fuel the tank for another.


I'm aware that we have several tanks - physical, spiritual, social and emotional tanks that all need fuel and attentive care. Many of these needs are not up to others to fill. It is our unique responsibility to own our self care routines to make sure we are doing what we need to do to refuel for health and to have the resources to bring our best self to each day.  


But, with Valentine's approaching, I wanted to focus on how we can be a blessing and learn to love well using Chapman's love languages for exploring. We all fuel a little differently and so it can be important to learn how to speak love differently to meet the needs of our close people. We often show love in our preferred language because that is the one we are most fluent in. It can be surprising to realize that the person we are trying to care for doesn't find our actions fuel for their emotional tank. 


So often I hear friends say that their spouse cleans the kitchen and makes dinner, but what they really wish for is to hear encouragement or be given the gift of time together. One partner was speaking love through service, but it wasn't experienced as love by the other. It is so good to know that we can learn to speak our people's preferred language!


Love is a choice… so we start with deciding to choose loving actions trusting that the relational connection will flow from that whether we feel close right now or not.


“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude, Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been hurt.  It is never glad about evil or injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

( I Corinthians 13: 4-8)


Patience, kindness, not being rude or selfish or keeping lists of ways the other hurt me are all actions we can do regardless of fluttery hearts and cupids. Love is actions that speak respect and care even if we don't like each other yet. 

To avoid getting too long, today I'll just focus on the Language I experienced that triggered these thoughts today - the Love Language of Touch. 

Physical Touch:  

Loving touch communicates emotional connection and promotes healthy development for children and relationships.  If this is someone's primary language, they will feel unloved and insecure without it.


I was wounded in the area of touch in my teen years and so grew to need a large personal space to feel safe. I remember a friend coming to visit and sliding her cold feet under my butt to warm them. That was uncomfortable for my space bubble - but obviously she thought nothing of it! :)


But I quickly learned as a parent that this love language was really important to all three of my boys. I knew I would have to work on getting fluent in this language fast. When they were small, it was natural to have them snuggle in for a story or nestle into my chest for a long cuddle. 


Our morning routine in homeschool was to start with a bible reading and prayer and then pile on and around me to fill up the love tank with long hugs. Next was some physical activity - and then we were ready for learning! I found that when we started by pouring fuel into their love tank, the boys focussed better on the tasks and were more receptive to my leadership. Andrew was the most fluent in talking about when his love tank got low as he would ask for a hug. 


As they got older, wrestling with Dad was a way to get close contact to fill the tank that appealed to their growing sense of 'guyness'. Lingering cuddles with Mom, were replaced with shoulder or foot massages. Even at 14, 18 and 21, my sons will lay their head on my lap  or shoulder or ask for a hug when their tank is low. I listen if they want to talk - and if not, I pray over them as I rub their scalp knowing that God and I together can soothe, and care for the body and emotions.


How to speak Physical Touch:

Ask them what touch is pleasant and communicates care. It could be a touch on the shoulder, a foot massage, connecting by brushing shoulders in a crowd or giving their a squeeze hand when you know they need reassurance. People living alone in quarantine can give themselves a hug or shoulder rub to fuel the need for calming touch. Snuggling with a pet can also meet a need for closeness. For partners, holding hands on a walk, a warm welcome hug when they come home, or a snuggle together under a blanket while watching a movie can speak ‘connection’. Sexual intimacy will be a vital part of identity for people with this language. 


How We Use Essential Oils to Enhance the Expression of Touch:


We quickly found that many essential oils are great for applying to the skin topically in a carrier oil like coconut or vegetable oil. We find Young Living Oils have given us our best results so we will reference those: 

  • Massage Roller - We fill a 10 ml Roller Bottle with 10 drops each of PanAway, Copaiba, Peppermint and then top up with a Coconut Oil to use for back rubs, shoulder massage or for self care by applying anywhere we have pain or tension. It can really help some types of headache pain, too! What I like about this one is that I can use it for myself when no one is there to offer touch and still feel like it penetrates the muscle in a way that is soothing, communicates care and helps break up tension. (When we don't have this combination, Deep Relief Roller is our other favourite choice.) 

  • Lavender & Frankincense are awesome for skin, immune and emotional care that is safe for children! Rubbing this combination into feet with a carrier oil is great for calming frustrated or grumpy children (and adults) and bringing a soothing calm. In a roller bottle, this combination is perfect for ouches, coughs, and soothing life’s bumps and bruises. Diffusing these oils can calm the whole mood of the house and help the body prepare for rest. 


Even though the language of physical touch wasn't natural to me at first, it was awesome to find that I could learn to speak it fluently to love well those in my care who need love spoken this way! 

As we lead up to Valentine's Day, I'll highlight the other four love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time! 

Take a moment with your loved ones today to experiment and guess which language might be their favourite... and enjoy connecting and learning to fill the love tank!


Unconventional Handyman!

Unconventional Handyman!
Being married to a creative visionary can sometimes make house jobs interesting!
One adventure was prompted by a boys day with cousins where a nerf gun fight took over both levels of our home while I was with the girl cousins in Brantford many years ago. The light fixture over the stairs leading to the second floor was damaged. 
That was fine with me. I never liked that light fixture and now I had an excuse to change it. 
So I bought the fixture and Lance came up with a plan to get up there to do the job. 
He put all the boy's twin mattresses to cover the stairs and landing. He took a box spring mattress and placed it across the railing just under the chandelier for a scaffold. Then he tied an extension cord around his own waist and the waists of 14 year old James and 11 year old Nathan as a backup measure in case the mattress or railing failed him. 
Soft landing - check. Safety harness - check. 
Just one thing missing - hockey equipment for extra protection! 
Fully outfitted, he was ready to tackle the job. He put on his tool belt with everything he would need to take down the old and install the new light fixture. He got on the mattress... started to undo the screws of the base... then realized he hadn't turned off the power!
So tied together, the three guys slid down the mattress covered stairway and headed to the basement electrical panel. I don't know if any of our housemates were here to witness. I refused to watch after hearing the plan. I went out to get groceries. 
Okay - power off. 
Lance and the boys climbed the mattress mountain tied together to get back into position. Lance mounted the box spring and felt steady to accomplish the rest of the task. 



I grew up with a Dad who was an electronics technician and really great at practical fix it jobs. So Lance's approach to house jobs often makes me laugh nervously until its finished. 
But, he always comes through! He gets it done - just a little unconventionally! It's amazing the jobs he has tackled and learned since we got married! Since Youtube tutorials came along, he is becoming quite the pro! He has proved that good learners can teach themselves all kinds of things!
Love you, Lance!!

Resolving Conflict

Resolving Conflict
It's ironic that I was asked to prepare a session for our camp leaders in training on conflict resolution. I hate conflict and would rather absorb discomfort than confront social awkwardness and tension. But, regardless of my attempts to dodge it, conflict is just part of life as imperfect people try to work effectively on teams together, partner in marriage and families, or even work with the public.
 
So, I've concluded that we can avoid it, escalate it, or be part of the solution. We can’t control the actions and responses of other people – but we can control our actions.

 Have you ever tried to avoid conflict hoping it would go away?

It tends to get bigger and more complicated. It can drain us of energy and become a strong, invisible force of negative energy that shadows everyone connected to the community in which there is conflict. It’s like having a mouse in your house, if you ignore it, you’ll soon have a whole village. Mice are cute, until they are chewing your electrical cords and joining prayer meetings (true story)... and leaving telltale signs of their presence in your cupboards. Avoidance only works if you don't have to continue to share the house with the mice and decide to let them take over while you move out. 

But conflict with people can't be moved away from as easily as a mouse filled house. Even if we don't have to see them again, the tension leaves an emotional toll on our hearts and minds as we try to figure out how that could have gone differently.

 “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:1-3

So, avoidance isn't usually a good option unless I've already had several fruitless interactions or the person who hurt me is a abusive and isn't part of my life anymore. Sometimes people just can't see the same situation with understanding and empathy. And some people are so broken they have a hard time relating in a healthy way with anybody. But, if I decide my best step is to move away from the mouse house, I try not to bring any droppings with me. Forgiveness is the only way I know to put down the desire for restitution and let my heart run free.
 
Generally, we are all in the peace making biz together and conflict resolution is worth the effort. The human community is compared to shared parts of a human body where all are affected by the brokenness and pain of any other part. In the bible, all are called to heal and bind up wounds that exist in the body so we can all function as one team guided by the head - which is Christ. Jesus' teaching centres around love for God, leading to healthy love for others. When we deal with conflict and allow it to mend and bind up broken places in the body, we protect and strengthen the community to function as it was meant to. So, when dealing with conflict it is vital that we deal with it in the right way. If we react in anger and a desire to attack or humiliate or get even or punish in any way, we will make the situation worse. 
 
These are the steps that have often helped me get to the hub of the problem and reveal positive, healing steps.

 1.HONESTY - 
Pull Back to Calm the emotional waters. Get perspective. No matter how much I am hurt or angry, I need to be still and pray.  I take whatever time I need to get perspective on the situation. 

Ask: “Why am I angry?” I find, sometimes I may not be angry at what I think I am angry at. I like to turn to a good friend or mentor who can listen impartially and help me make sense of what I'm feeling. Or I write down my thoughts. This is a time to be honest and search the heart. Own up to the mistakes made. It's time to figure out what I did to contribute to the problem and confess that to God. I need to check my attitude and pray until I can see those I'm angry at as people God loves and who are worthy of respect. If I hold onto pride and think of anyone as ‘lower’ that myself, I'm not ready to be part of the solution. A heart that is humble and gentle is a heart God will use to bring peace in the midst of conflict. So, time to open the heart and ask for self control and grace.

 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” Colossians 3:12-15a  

Step 2: UNDERSTAND 
My experience tells me that no matter how much  I think I completely understand the conflict, I might not. There is often another side that I don’t fully understand, and those I'm in conflict with won’t likely be open to connecting until they feel ‘heard’. So, once my heart is in the right place, it's time to go to those I'm in conflict with and listen hard to understand their point of view.( Note: if you feel unsafe going back to the person who hurt you, bring a mentor to mediate.) The purpose of meeting is not to blast them out of the water or tell them how upset I am. The first move is to seek  to understand. This may pave the way for those who I offended to want to hear and understand too. So, this is time to just listen and only ask questions to gain clarity. I must not interrupt or correct them. I coach myself to "just listen. Listen to their heart and try to put yourself in their shoes. Be patient and bear with them, even if what they’re saying is driving you crazy. Remember, if you hear them out, they are more likely to hear you". When it is my turn to communicate, I tread softly. Attacking or generalizing or exaggerating will make things worse. I talk about how an interaction made me feel and how I understood what was going on, while affirming that I now see why the other person saw it differently.  I try to clarify what I heard them say and offer empathy. It is so easy to say something hurtful and inflame the already tender situation. These situations don't always end with reconciliation. But, even if I feel attacked, I bite my tongue to keep from lashing back. Self control is so important... and if mine is running low, I ask God for more – it is one of the fruits God’s Spirit can grow in us. When it is tempting to bark out harsh words, I remember who I want to be as a peacemaker and as a sower of kindness and care and try not to descend into nastiness. Expressing my intention to be good to others and mend brokenness helps me to focus on “I” and “me” statements, not “YOU” accusations.
 
Examples:  “It hurt me when you didn’t communicate with me before making that decision.” NOT  “You should have asked me before you did it. You always act alone.”  “It was hard for me when my ideas were put down. It made me not want to contribute to this team.” NOT: “You made me feel like crap when you put my idea down. You are mean.”  “I have a different way of approaching that problem.” NOT: “You drive me crazy with your way of approaching problems. It’ll never work.”
 In the ‘understanding’ phase, the goal isn't to find solutions. It’s all about gaining an accurate picture of the issues and problems and hopefully both parties owning their part in it.
 3. BE Part of the Solution This is a good time for another attitude check. The desire to get even and punish will railroad any attempts at moving forward in a healthier way. To be part of the solution, we can't still part of the problem. Asking God’s help to forgive and to be open to reconciliation – to repairing the damage done so you can work together is crucial. This doesn’t mean we will now be best buddies, but it does mean that I no longer want to hurt them or hold power over them. When we want what is best for both of us, we’re ready to work at finding a solution that will be a win-win for everybody.
 Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas are psychologists who have recognized that we have different languages for apologies. If you don’t include the other person’s language, any attempt to make things right will feel weak and unacceptable.
Here’s the five apology languages they discovered:
 
1. Expressing regret – “I’m sorry”
2. Accepting responsibility – “I was wrong.”Let them know you understand why they would be upset.
3. Making restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Genuinely repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”(Check in later to tell them what change has been made to keep it from happening again.)
5. Requesting forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?” 
 At this point you may feel the whole situation was just a big misunderstanding and be happy to continue to work together. But it's possible that there will still be some anger or a cool response. It's also possible that the relationship is so unhealthy it cannot work without big change and trust building. We can’t control other people – we can only do what we can to contribute to peace. The goal is to be free of the burden and shadow of the conflict by acting faithfully to honour God and the community. Treating the person with kindness and respect (including good boundaries) may bring peace in us and good fruit may yet come of it.
 
"You are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it... If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honoured, every part rejoices with it.” I Corinthians 12:26-27
 
 
Relationships can be easy -" I like people that make me like them, it saves so much work" (LM Montgomery's Aunt Josephine). But I've often found relating to a wide variety of people both rewarding and one of the biggest forces of personal growth. Let's keep working at creating a community where all are part of "us" and no one is relegated to a distant land of "them".

 
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